Tuesday, December 30, 2003

For those of you who feel sorry for Lee, let me show you one of his e-mails to me yesterday.

“Lil, take a mydol and calm DOWN!!!! jesus christ! Lee “
Don’t worry about Lee, he gets his digs in. Actually what’s really funny is that he also sent me an e-mail saying that he didn’t want to speak to me for a few days. We had a pretty big blow up yesterday. I started thinking today how much easier his life would be if he didn’t have to speak with me anymore. He would probably sleep better, go out more. Maybe even have time to take a class or do something fun. Well I can’t let that happen so I figure I will call him twice as much today just to remind him that I am one of his best friends and he can’t get rid of me that easily. New Day Lee!
Now I want to talk about the only person who did not piss me off yesterday!! Jeff Wiseman my lawyer. I know everyone hates lawyers but I love Jeff. What other lawyer do you know that arranges all our meetings so we still have time to go out for a great dinner, a night of drinking, and then of course hit the strip clubs. Thanks Jeff, your the best!!

posted by Liliana @ 10:23 AM

Monday, December 29, 2003

I just received an e-mail from my web designer telling me that I can post my Lil Spill’s in audio. This sounds too good to be true!! There are so many people whom get mad at me because of these Lil Spill’s. Can you imagine hearing my voice say ” fuck off, I do what I want!!” My first audio Lil Spill should definitely be on New Years Eve after a few drinks. I feel sorry for the New Orleans staff! This is when it’s too bad for you that I moved from N.Y. to New Orleans. Oh Laura, I would learn how to do Last resort properly! Can you imagine what I might say in the Lil Spill if you don’t! And new girl, Andrea ( I think ) You will be able to log onto my Lil Spill and hear me say ” Put that fucking cigarette down!” What would be really great is to have a night, where the girls are awesome and be able to say ” who’s better than my New Orleans girls!! ” Stranger things have happened.
Today is like Christmas all over again!!

posted by Liliana @ 11:04 AM

So I get a letter from my High School asking for a donation. They list the ways you can contribute. A. Cash/check ( that’s easy ) B. Bequest ( Yeah right , I’ll give Jackson’s inheritance to my High School ) C. Stock Transfer ( again not happening) D. Gifts -in- kind ( I think it’s a kind way of saying donations in a physical form IE old computers etc ) E.Corporate Matching Gifts ( maybe when my company is as big as IBM ) The kicker is that they put a label on your contribution. So if I give $50 I would be called a “Contributor” but if I give $5,000 I would be part of what they call “The 1897 Association”. In the Alumni paper they will actually put your name and your donation title next to it. So if you give $50 everyone thinks your cheap but if you give $5000 everyone thinks your a rich snob. That $50 from someone who doesn’t have much is just as important as the $5000 from someone whom has a lot.
To my high school’s credit I received a very good education. ( you really can’t tell from these Lil Spill’s considering my foul fucking mouth and my absolutely horrible grammer ) But the really weird part of my high school is that it is very similar to a cult. I would say a fair amount of my classmates have been hypnotised into working at the high school after college. The Ursuline nuns have created a world very much like the moonies. And these women make it their life’s work to fund raise for the school.
The more I think about it , the more I am really, really impressed! I need to hire these nuns. I’m always looking for more money.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to The Ursuline School of New Rochelle N.Y. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That’s for damn sure! ( I’m going straight to hell)

posted by Liliana @ 10:05 AM

Friday, December 26, 2003

The beauty about the day after christmas is the sales. Oh I fought tooth and nail at saks for the last Gucci wallet! You can’t stop me. See, I do most of my Christmas shopping the day after. There are people you know you aren’t going to see until after the holidays, so I say get it on sale instead of paying full price. ” Take note people for next year”
OK Christmas Eve I was at the bar and one of the regulars asked why a certain regular was kicked out of the bar ( 86ed as us veterans call it.) He subtly implied that it could be a personality issue with one of the managers. Let me tell you how a good manager looks at a customer, like a big fat open wallet. They are trained not to put their personal opinions above the well being of the bar. This particular guy was asked to take a 2 week break from the bar after an incident he caused. (Think of it as a temperary suspension.) Well he was so upset over this action that he ended up starting more trouble and was then given a permenant boot from the bar. If a customer does not show respect toward the bartenders or any employee, there is a price to pay. Usually it is a simple verbal reprimand but other times it’s a big ” Take your fat ass and get out of my bar.”
But of course, It’s nothing personal!

posted by Liliana @ 6:12 PM

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Please Santa! I want Double Lash ( eyelash grower) and world peace. How cool would it be if Santa looked like The Rock or Heath Ledger. I would be waiting by that Chimney in nothing but a g-string , some stilettos, and a smile. ” Why Santa I know what I want for Christmas! You must be so hot in that outfit, why don’t we take it off.”
What a fantasy, this dream man breaks into your house just to service you and leave you presents. Excellent!!
Happy Holidays everyone!

posted by Liliana @ 7:36 PM

Monday, December 22, 2003

I know it’s Christmas, but does that mean that everyone stops working? I get a call from Sara ( from Tampa bar ) and she is completely understaffed for New Years Eve. The best fucking night of the year and noone wants to work! Am I crazy or do most bartenders beg to work that night? At 21 years old, it is so much more appealing to hold your boyfriend’s head over the toilet because he drank too much, then go to work and make $500.
And then the other excuse; “my family always spends New Years eve together.” Oh how domestic, making cookies and drinking a sip of champagne with mom and dad. You don’t need that extra money, when you have so much family love. Oh I have a great idea! Let’s close all the bars and give everyone the night off.
What is this world coming to?
This Lil Spill is dedicated to hard working people whom care about making money and contributing to the economic prosperity of this great country and of course Coyote Ugly Saloon.

posted by Liliana @ 9:36 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2003

OK guys listen up! Taking Stacker is not attractive. I have 2 guys who work for me who take this fucking diet AID. Last night I go into the bar and one of the barbacks, Justin, is just chatting up a storm. I say to him ” what the fuck are you on?” his reply ” well Lil I only took a few Stackers before work”. Justin was a tad portly when he started at the bar. Now he has lost over 30 pounds. Through his nonstop talking he also told him he is depressed that he isn’t getting any. ” Justin, looking like you just did an eightball of coke. Doesn’t really impress the ladies. ( not the good ones anyway.) “
Another one of my guys, whom takes Stacker, starts twitching after he takes these pills. ” Looking like your about to have an epileptic seizure , is also unattractive.”
Now this is a very hard concept to grasp. EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE, DUMB ASSES!

posted by Liliana @ 11:00 AM

Saturday, December 20, 2003

My manager Aaron told me the greatest story the other day. KP one of my New Orleans girls played a little joke on one of the regulars, Jack. Just to describe KP ( important to the story ) she is a beautiful black girl. Jack is a very southern white man. On a night that KP was working Jack was sitting on his stool. Yes he sits in the same stool everytime he comes in. In fact his name and an arrow are on the wall pointing to his stool. While Jack was making a trip to the bathroom, KP took his cellphone and made a very unusual call. She called his mother. Now what she said is the funny part! His mother answers the phone and KP proceeds to tell his mother how excited she is to meet her. Kp then tells the mother that she is ecstatic that Jack has finally asked her to marry him. Then of course th kicker, ” and I am so glad that you don’t care that I am black.”
At this point , I am laughing so hard. I didn’t know KP had that in her! The beauty of this story though is the reaction of Jack’s mother. She was livid at Jack for not telling her he was getting engaged. But she could care less that it was to a black girl! I love that.

posted by Liliana @ 11:14 AM

Friday, December 19, 2003

Maria, Maria, Maria ( from NY ) You are very popular on the site this week. I’ve told everyone that you were the first Coyote of the month ever , so sorry but I think it’s too soon to give that honor to you again.
Now let’s talk about your Thursday nights, Maria! They leave a lot to be desired.
People!! If Maria is so popular why are none of you visiting her on thursdays? This is her schedule: She works Thursday night, Friday night, and Sunday night.
Why should you go see her? Because in my mind, and I am the expert, she could be one of the BEST Coyotes ever. EVER. It’s an honor and a privelege for her to serve and entertain you. Maria who is better than you? Now let’s promote Thursdays!!!

posted by Liliana @ 8:10 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Angela from Tampa, Listen up! Bartending is supposed to be a means to do other things in life. Sara told me yesterday that you gave your notice. She said that you felt it was becoming too much for you and you did not know what direction your life was going to take. Being a Coyote is hard work. It’s harder than a normal bartending job, believe me I know. But it can also be a lot of fun, great money, and it can give you a little bit of celebrity. Whether you decide to go back to med school or make a living basket weaving, there is no reason why you shouldn’t just work 1 night a week. For god’s sake you were going to be the Coyote of the month next month! Bartending is a way to pay your bills and give you your days free to pursue other things. In the immortal words of Jerry Maguire “HELP ME HELP YOU!”

posted by Liliana @ 9:55 AM

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

My bouncer in New Orleans, John , gave myself and all the girls sportknives for Christmas. Maxam Lockback Knife W/ clip. The big fear I have is that the girls are going to start doing that stupid knife trick between there fingers. I can only imagine the trouble these girls can get into with a freaking knife in their pocketbook. Can you even carry a knife? Is this illegal to have in your pocket? Is this a knife that I will use to protect myself? Or will I use it to whittle something cool? Or am I going to fucking kill myself just trying to get it to close? Thank you John very much but I can’t lie I feel a great deal of stress about this goddamn knife.

posted by Liliana @ 7:45 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

A friend sent me this a while back. This is hysterical. It’s from x-rated Buffy Fan fiction. It’s written from the perspective of the hot-but-evil Slayer, Faith:

…It’s about three AM, and I know that the streets
downtown will just be starting up with Vampire
activity. Tonight is a good night. Nobody in here
wants any trouble, they just want good whisky and to
see some hot girls dancing on the bar…Man, even Lil
got up there tonight. And that is pretty fucking
unusual from what I can gather. I don’t know why
though, after all she is the original coyote and one
mean dancer. Seeing her up there, her and Cammy
putting the moves on each other had more than me just
drooling. I was tempted to get out the water jet
myself to cool the two of them off. She’s still up
there when Rachel suddenly looks at her watch and says
‘fuck’ before giving the bell on the back bar a good
tug and calling time. I put the last of the money in
the register and see that we can barely fit another
dollar in. I reach up and put my hands on Lil’s waist.
She puts her hands on my shoulders and I take her
weight as she jumps off the bar. I use my strength to
make sure that her descent is slow, her body pushed up
against mine as she slides along it to the floor. When
her feet are on solid ground, she still doesn’t let go
of my shoulders but licks her lips absentmindedly. I
wonder if rule number three is not fucking the boss,
but I don’t think so. Not if I know Lil…

“She thinks I’m pretty hot. I wonder what happens next?”

posted by Liliana @ 11:16 AM

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Fun in the New Orleans bar this weekend. We had a ton of New Yorkers down for the Saints- Giants game. OK there were two guys at the bar buying me drinks and other customers drinks etc. Nice guys, also New Yorkers ( my people). Well after the fourth round that they bought I ask Tara to buy them a drink. I signal her to make another round and she does. Well she asks one of the guys for money, I lean over and say to her “I have this round.” With a straight fucking face , she says to one of these guys, “NO.” At this point I’m waiting to see his reaction. As a true Coyote customer, he forks over the money. Well just when you think it’s over she takes it one step further. She fucking slaps one of the guys right in the face and says, “where’s my drink?” I’m pretty much hysterical laughing right now but I’m also thinking you better pull this off Tara or I’ll be really pissed. For god’s sake these poor guys had free brunch passes to House of Blues . They actually, after this, told me that it was a credit to me that they would rather pay for drinks and get beat up, then get free drinks somewhere else. Unfucking believable.
Now I wouldn’t recommend this approach for a novice Coyote. But I always tell the girls that they have to learn to read people. Well Tara read these guys right. . Good for you Tara, my little girl is growing up! ( Man would I have been pissed if her little stunt backfired!)

posted by Liliana @ 8:39 PM

Saturday, December 13, 2003

My god I’ve been traveling too much! I can’t believe I’m going to admit this. But I actually am thinking of ordering a few things from the airline shopping magazine, Skymall. I am fucking pathetic! There is this one product that has been tantilizing me for months now. It’s called Double-lash. “This revolutionary product made from natural proteins promotes healthier, stronger lashes with just three weeks of bedtime applications!” WOW.
It’s Christmas time. Normal people want clothes, a car, a watch, beautiful earrings. No I want DOUBLE-LASH. There is nothing wrong with my eyelashes. But can you imagine after 3 weeks of applications, I could have the nicest eyelashes ever. I would be unstoppable then!
Is this an early sign of mental illness?

posted by Liliana @ 10:41 AM

Friday, December 12, 2003

I made it! Oh dry your eyes everyone. I’m safe , the plane didn’t crash.
Angela in Tampa , superstar! How old do I have to be before I fucking learn not to mix wine and liquor? I know the old addage ( can’t remember it now). I went with Joanna and Tampa gang to Byrnes Steak House. I love that place. Of course we had a bottle of wine there and then went back to Coyote. Larry, the new assistant manager , has some pictures of me doing my traditional toe shot. I let Scooter off easy, he only had to pay $125 for a body shot off of me. Considering the hang over I’m in pretty good spirits. I’ve officially hit celebrity status. The people at the airport parking garage asked me which bar was I coming from? Nah, I think the big Coyote Ugly sign in my car gave it away.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to both Lee and Kevin. Seperately, I was told by both of them that they were feeling a lot of pressure right now with the Austin Opening coming up. ” It’s the hard that makes it great” Love you guys! Also Jacqui, who’s a better choreographer than you? Nobody!

posted by Liliana @ 3:38 PM

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So last night I had a dream I was in a plane crash. Of course, I’m flying to Tampa today. The funny part of my dream was, no disrespect to heavy people, but there was a heavy set man sitting in the middle seat. While we were going down he pulled me and the man next to him on the ground. All I could think of was : don’t heavy people have to buy 2 seats? That’s the dream. I hope I don’t crash today.
On another note , when I go to NY and New Orleans all the staff is happy to see me. But when I go to other cities, usually management looks at me like I’m the grim reaper. Get ready Sara the Grim Reaper is coming!

I just got an e-mail from the AM of the Tampa bar. Here’s an exerpt from his letter.
  “Well, let me start off by saying that Sara (in all her gracefulness) was hit on top of her head by a falling stapler.  The stapler was on top of our 10ft ladder, when she tried to move it, and was greeted by the plummeting stapler.  Sara was in the middle of putting up X-mass decorations when this happened. “
That fucking hurts. Sara had to get 4 stitches. Not your week Sara, first you get hit on the head and have to get stitches and now I’m coming! They say things happen in threes. Tune in next week to hear ” What happened to Sara? “

posted by Liliana @ 9:03 AM

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Everyday I get business offers. Everyone thinks it’s so easy to run one of these bars. Put 30 high energy, big ego girls together and then through in alchohol. Easy my ass! Between the managers , the girls, and the bouncers it can be mayheim if you don’t handle it properly. I don’t give a shit what anyone says. This is hard work.
Now let’s talk about the funny things I have heard from some of my employees.
” I can’t work it’s the 4 year anniversary of my breakup with my fiance. ” .
“My boyfriend doesn’t like me working here.”
Oh the best excuse came from a porter in NY. ” Lil, I can’t come to work. My mother woke me up to quick’ I gave him off the day for originality.
One of my bartenders from New Orleans claims she gives the best blow jobs in Jefferson Parish ( suberb of New Orleans) She claims it is common knowledge. “Everyone knows I give the best blowjobs.” she points her finger toward a man ” just ask him” Well all I can say to that is Congratulations!

posted by Liliana @ 11:11 AM

Monday, December 08, 2003

This is final! The NY 11 year anniversary party will be held Wed. January 7th 2004! Why is it so early this year? Because I am so fucking busy. Austin will have it’s grand opening on January 28th ( hopefully) and New orleans 2 year anniversary is officially January 25th ( Don’t know when the actual party will be). January, the worst fucking month of the year for bars. But for some strange reason it just always seems to happen that I open in January. C’est la vie.
What the fuck am I going to wear to all these things? New Orleans has the worst shopping! Damn it! Big thanks to Angel from New orleans. Thank you for the shirt. I LOVE IT!

posted by Liliana @ 10:32 AM

Sunday, December 07, 2003

So Thursady night I’m in the New York bar and a friend of mine, Eileen comes to visit. I complement her on her new hairdo and you know what she says. ” Lil, let’s face it. I have great hair. I’ve never had a bad hair day in my life:” Well that is a bold fucking statement! Good for you Eileen!
So did I mention I was in New York during a blizzard? Thursday night Maria and Krysti worked. Maria always a superstar. Krysti is great at selling. She is filling Chars’ shoes well. A great salesperson but can’t dance a lick. I did one of the dance routines with Maria. Do you know how that feels? Well it sucks, unless you are a broadway calibre performer. And I am not broadway stock. For everyone who was there, laugh it up. See what a few drinks can make you do?

posted by Liliana @ 5:56 PM

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Oh this is priceless. Someone responded to my request for a hotel room in New York. The hotel they suggested is pretty expensive . To pay for this they suggested I auction off my New Orleans ( soon to be Austin ) manager, Marshall. He would love that!
Ladies, rumor has it that he has very big feet. ( If you know what I mean!!) An ex girlfriend of his told me that.
OK let’s start the bidding at $100.

posted by Liliana @ 11:12 AM

Oh this is priceless. Someone responded to my request for a hotel room in New York. The hotel they suggested is pretty expensive . To pay for this they suggested I auction off my New Orleans ( soon to be Austin ) manager, Marshall. He would love that!
Ladies, rumor has it that he has very big feet. ( If you know what I mean!!) An ex girlfriend of his told me that.
OK let’s start the bidding at $100.

posted by Liliana @ 11:12 AM

Monday, December 01, 2003

My first wish for Christmas is a 6 ft. blond man with a six pack who is mute. Now my second wish is to not feel so much stress. There is not enough yoga classes to de-stress me. Well if I get my first wish, he better give a really good back massage after we go a few rounds. Oh, I’m laughing out loud now. Most men give you a back massage with one hand because the other hand is on the remote. Someone told me recently that her boyfriend says he has arthritis in his hands. Of course he is able to write , use the computer, and anything else that he likes. Just thinking about this is pissing me off. Sex, a back massage ( I’ll sub in a foot massage), and some cuddling. That’s all I want. I don’t think that’s asking too much!
Can’t wait to go to NY.. I miss NY!

posted by Liliana @ 8:21 PM

Friday, November 28, 2003

The Cat in the Hat sucked! Mike Myers did his Coffee Talk ( SNL ) character for the whole movie. Well I can’t say the whole movie since I walked out after 50 minutes. Dr. Seuss is rolling in his grave.
OK I’m going to New York next weekend and every Hotel is booked. I have been on Hotels.com, Yahoo, and Travelocity. What the fuck? If anybody who reads this editorial piece ( that sounds good. Makes me feel like a real journalist) works at a hotel and can get me a room please e-mail Lil@coyoteuglysaloon.com . The Village or near Bloomingdales are my preferred locations. I’m going down to the New Orleans bar today. I think I will have a few cocktails. Why? Just because.
PS Travis ( bouncer) stopp eating all that crap. I’m watching YOU!

posted by Liliana @ 10:32 AM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m feeling a little weepy today. In a good way. I woke up and played with my son and started to think about the the good things I have in my life. My son is obviously number one.
I’m thankful for my son having the best father. Tony does all the things a dad should do with a son that I am too girlie to do.
I’m thankful for my sister, her family , and my parents.
I have a few dear friends whom I love very much.
And I not only love my business but I enjoy working every day.
Enough sappy stuff ( PMS).
It is ridiculous how long it takes to cook a turkey. Hours and hours of basting. Then all the other stuff you have to make. I love cooking but I am scared of the endless cleaning you have to do afterwards . I can’t wait until Jackson is old enough where it is his responsibility to wash the dishes. A parents dream; Your kids become old enough to do all your chores around the house.
Quote of the week from Jacqui ” Lil , I’m pulling the schedule out of my ass! ” I’ll be in New York next week. I can’t wait.

posted by Liliana @ 11:09 AM

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Big win last night. Tara won the Budweiser Bartender of New Orleans competition. 2 years in a row we have won. Congrats Tara!
New Orleans Laura! What the fuck are you doing during the choreographed routine Last Resort? One of the moves that is taught by Jacqui is punching ( in air boxing) . The dance calls for a few punches and then you improv taking a hit. Well if you watch Laura you would never know that. I don’t care how girlie you are, learn to throw a punch. Also taking a hit doesn’t mean you look like you just watched a bad episode of Fame! Laura, I told Chantel that you need some more practise. As God as my witness , you will learn to throw a punch like Mohammud Ali!
On a good note. Laura you did a very good job getting the drinks out during the competition.
Someone asked if I’m going to write a Christmas wish list. #1 Blond 6ft man. Has a 6 pack, and is MUTE! When I think of a few others I’ll write about them!

posted by Liliana @ 10:14 AM

Monday, November 24, 2003

My Lil Spill about the New Orleans girls seem to stir things up. “YOU GIRLS HAVE TO BE THE BEST. I EXPECT EVERYONE TO GO INTO THE NEW YORK BAR AND THE NEW ORLEANS BAR AND THINK YOU GUYS ARE BETTER THAN ALL THE REST.” Those are the bars I spend the most time in. New Orleans girls Saturday night did a great job. Love Nina the 6ft tall new girl. And Chantel ” Who looks hotter than you doing the water dance?” Good job!
My meeting with the Australians went very well. They can really throw those drinks down! Brent Todd was with us. Supposedly he is the Joe Montana ( huge football star) of Australian Rugby. Had we been in Australia we would have to put him in the VIP section so all the little girls didn’t bother him. Well we weren’t in Australia so it really didn’t matter. So Brent ( everyone calls him Toddy) bet me $100 that I couldn’t get this particular female customer on the bar. Oh , I’ll take that bet. It took me all of 15 seconds. Later on he told me that he had a new found respect for me because I pocketed that $100 without a slight hesitation. A bet is a bet. If I lost ( not likely) I would pay up. If you can’t pay don’t play. Pay up Sucka! I think I might have to go to Australia!

posted by Liliana @ 10:59 AM

Saturday, November 22, 2003

I get some interesting letters from people viewing the web site. Well the one I just read is fucking hysterical. This woman, we’ll call her Octopussy, wrote me a letter about maintaining ones pubic hair.
Octopussy wishes we lived in a world where you could go to your local barber and ask for a trim. ” Hey Sal, just a little off the top.” ” Sal, I’ve got a hot date, take it all off.” ” Sal, I’ve got to cancel my appointment. Yeah it’s that time.”
Well Octopussy, maybe one day your dream will come true.

posted by Liliana @ 4:58 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003

Job Available: New Orleans: Women wanted for bartending jobs Requirements NOT LAZY!!
Last night my managers threw an employee meeting. I wish I could have been there. A few of the girls have real promise. But there is not one girl that tries just a little extra. The harder the bartenders work means more money for them as well as me. Come on girls!!
Marshall, Aaron, and Chantel ( New Orleans managers) : Good luck . You have your work cut out for you.

posted by Liliana @ 9:19 AM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Construction for the Austin Bar is really coming along. I’m really excited about it. Lee, Mr. Jack of all Trades, has been working on these cool faux stain glass pieces that we would put up behind the bar. They will depict cool images of Johnny Cash, Kid Rock, and a few other people. He sent me a picture yesterday of one of the windows and it looks awesome.
Of course, we know that artists are soo tempermental. Well he went to the Austin spot today. After seeing how far along the construction was and how nice the bar looked he decided that he doesn’t want to put up these windows. I can’t express how much I love these windows!! They are so cool looking. This Lil Spill is a plea to you Lee!! Please put up the windows!! People will come from miles around and say ” Lee Killingsworth created that piece. I must have an original Lee (your the fucking man) Killingsworth.” This is your chance to shine, Lee. Please put up the windows! Lil

posted by Liliana @ 7:13 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I’m in North Carolina, I’m under the weather, and I can’t find my cell phone. It’s 8:30 in the morning. Noone has called me! But yet the urge to make sure I don’t have a message is excruciating. I lived most of my life without a cellphone. Why the hell am I so dependent on that little portable phone? I used to make fun of those people who couldn’t walk down the street without having that phone tied to their ear. I always thought it was unattractive and weak. There is something to be said about walking somewhere and just having your own thoughts to keep you company.
I’ve become one those unattractive, weak people. Who the hell needs to keep in touch with me 24/7? Who the hell do I need to keep in touch with 24/7? Noone. Noone is that important. My son is too young to use the phone. I am not the actual GM for any of my bars. So the bars can call the GM’s at 4am. And let’s face facts, my friends can wait and call me at a reasonable hour. So with all this said, Why am I going insane without my cellphone?

posted by Liliana @ 8:52 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2003

” Buy a piece of furniture and get a free bucket of chicken!” ” Buy a truck and get your very own free 12 gauge shot gun” As the immortal song goes ” If that ain’t country you can kiss my ass!”
At the marketing meeting for the promotional car drive, who came up with that one. Guy # 1: ” Hey , I’ve got an idea! Let’s give out shotguns to everyone who buys a car. “
Guy # 2: ” Why Billybob that is an excellent idea. You done did it.”
Well I’m fixing to get right over there to Billybobs and buy myself a truck. Maybe I can use the shotgun for a driveby. Mix north and south!
I love New Orleans. I’ve lived here for 2 years now. But sometimes it definitely is a bit of culture shock. ( Tara won the first round of the best bartender competition in new Orleans. Chantel won last year. Next week is the finals. Stay tuned.)

posted by Liliana @ 7:55 AM

Saturday, November 15, 2003

You’ve got to train the regulars. When I come in the door, there should be a shot of crown waiting for me. I am happy to say that there is a group of regulars at the New Orleans bar whom do not order a drink without offering one to me. Last night I was speaking to one of the managers and I saw this group have a group drink. ” What the fuck am I dead? Where the hell is my drink?” They broke protocol and now must be punished. Brennan and Anthony quickly knew they were in trouble and gave the feeble excuse, ” We thought you were leaving.” Don’t you worry people, they will never let that happen again!
Everyone who wants to go to the NY anniversary ( 11 years). Listen Up! I do not know the date of the party. The actually anniversary is on January 27th but I don’t know if I can throw the party on that date. I’ll keep everyone posted. This Lil Spill is dedicated to Starbucks. I have a feeling I will need a couple white Chocolate mochas before I go to work today! ( Lee the white thermal is a hit! Who is better than you? )

posted by Liliana @ 11:01 AM

Friday, November 14, 2003

Rules to live by: Repeat business is what keeps the bar alive ( Except Vegas). One of the licensees wrote me to ask my advice about the girls being too abusive to the customers. OK GIRLS LISTEN UP! Nobody wants to come to a bar where they get bruised up by the bartender. Whipping people should be fun, not mean. When you go too far you lose a tip, a potential customer, and potential customers that the person could of sent in. Also you put the owners in a bad situation. Coyotes are supposed to be attractive, sexy, and tough. When you get too mean it becomes ugly, very unattractive. Tough is about attitude. It’s not about being so crude that you alienate the person that you were goading and all the people around them. Coyote is about having fun. Being a Coyote means the men all want to be with you and the women all want to be you. Coyote Ugly is a business. Your jobs are to create more income for the bars, not lose it. If you truely listen to what I say the bars will do better and you will make more tips. ( Now when you are in the privacy of your own home, give that guy or girl a good whipping. Just say “Honey, Lil says I need to get out my aggressions on you. Come over here bad boy!.” )

posted by Liliana @ 11:28 AM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Daisy in Boston. You have quite a few admirers. Milk them for every dime! Good work. Wendy, Tabitha, and Ginger, from New Orleans, you guys have the most fans that write into the site. ( Well I have the most fans, but that’s kind of cheating) Unfortunately, Tabitha left for greener pastures. School, a real job. ( Fuck all you people who don’t think bartending is a real job!) Jason, bouncer from Vegas, the girls really dig you. Get in line girls.
OK this is what is on my mind. What the fuck happened to me? I used to be able to go out all night, sleep for an hour, and get up and go to work. No Biggie! I went out all night, one night, in Vegas and I still feel like shit. My god how depressing. Kevin claims it’s because I don’t eat wheat. Let’s analyze this. A. ” eat wheat, be able to drink all night, and be as fat as a house.” or B. ” eat healthy and exercise, have a good body, but can’t drink all night.” Umm? I’ll take B.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the people at each Coyote. Good Job

posted by Liliana @ 10:39 PM

One of my employees says”only weakminded losers gamble”. Well this loser is up $550 in blackjack. I call that WINNING! I love Vegas. But I’ll tell you it’s such a drag going with Kevin and Lee. ” Let’s go to this club” ” Let’s see this site” Fuck that shit. Put me on the casino floor, I’ll be entertained for hours.
My attorney, Jeff, and myself went to a conference out here. We were the only people not wearing suits. Everyday is dress down day at Coyote. My god I had no idea there was so much money in Chicken wings. There was this company called Quaker Steak and Lube. What do you eat while your car gets an oil change? Well who the fuck knows. I definitely want to put up a booth for the next conference, I’ll blow these people away.
Girls if you go to the Coyote in Vegas, Jason the bouncer is so cute and really big. Very SEXY! Kirsten the bartender was very sweet and the girls were great. Got to go catch my flight.

posted by Liliana @ 12:58 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

I am laughing so hard right now. One of my girls Tara, has rules for dating. She calls them : Rules to eliminate dating a douche bag. She sent me a copy . I just have to post them they are too funny.

TARA’S QUESTIONS TO ASK TO AVOID DATING A DOUCHBAG
1. Do you still live with mother?
Having to wipe my ass everyday is a part of life. Having to wipe his ass too is only doubling your chances of getting your hands in SHITT!!
2. What kind of car do you drive?
He must drive a nicer car than yours or one equal to it. If not that just means his piece of crap car will always be broken down and guess who becomes the taxi
3. Do you have a checkbook and at least one credit card?
If he doesn’t that just means he has no credit and eventually he will want you to cosign in order to replace his PIECE OF SHIT CAR!
4. Do you do drugs, or have the need for drugs?
Yes antidepressants fall under this category. Loser
5. What type of drunk are you?
A grown man taking a piss on the floor of the living room is not exactly material you want to bring home to mom and dad.
6. How long does it take you to get ready?
Taking longer than you to get ready means he is one of those pompous asses that will take the rear view mirror from you while you are putting on your makeup to check his hair
7. Have you ever been in jail and for every 10 people in your family is there more than one of them in jail?
If the answer is no, follow by asking if you were dating him and he went to jail would he call you to bail him out?
8. At what temperture do you wash your underwear? You might find this question odd, but if he can’t answer it you’ll find yourself enjoying doing his laundry as well as yours.
9. What do you do for a living?
Although the initial thought is materialistic, this question is actually showing you if you will be filling out resumes for a second job because you got stuck paying his bills too.
10. And last but not least the ever so important sex question.
How often do you NEED sex?
Don’t get me wrong sex is great..to want it everyday is onething.. to NEED it is a flashing red sign that says CHEATER!

This list should be posted everywhere, so women of the world can escape dationg losers. Love you Tara. Good luck

posted by Liliana @ 9:36 AM

Saturday, November 08, 2003

In January, the NY bar will be opened for 11 years. In 11 years, only two girls that worked for me had kids, and thousands of girls have worked for me. Going across the country I hire these girls and so many of them have kids. It breaks my heart. I hired a girl in Chicago that was 21 with 3 kids. Children are wonderful, but such a big responsibility. I see some of these girls still partying and expecting their parents to take care of their kids. I hear a lot of sad stories. I don’t know how this makes me feel.
I’m mad because these girls aren’t stupid yet they act with so little thought. A condom or the pill could of solved their problems. Is it the old proverb ” the sins of the father.” ( mother) If your mom had you at 16, you are predestined to have your own child at 16.
Or maybe this makes me feel so sad. Kids raising kids. In New Orleans, I had a girl work for me. Her daughter’s school would call saying that this particular employee forgot to pick up her daugter from school. I felt so bad for her daughter. I would think of her waiting by herself, only 6 years old, and her mom not showing up to get her. It makes me want to cry.
I think people no matter what age have the capacity to love. I have a girl working for me now that brings her infant child to dance rehearsals. You can see how much she loves her child and will make sacrifices to do what’s right. And that really is the most important part of being a parent.
Who the hell am I to judge anyone? I’m not judging. Just telling you guys about something I think about while getting to know all these girls.
Happy Note. I’m going to Vegas tomorrow. I LOVE VEGAS. HIT ME!

posted by Liliana @ 7:07 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003

I just got an e-mail from the web designer, Kevin F. He just got married and spoke about how much his new wife is enjoying the presents ( specifically pot and pans) that they received as gifts. KEVIN, let me tell you something, marriage is all about upgrade. ” Honey, now that we are married we need a new apartment.” ” Honey, I’m tired of our furniture, let’s get something new.” ” Let’s move out of Manhattan, and get a house in the suburbs.” Oh Kevin , kevin, Kevin! Suck it up sport and save your money. She’s already getting bored with the new pots and pans. This says one thing to me … BABY .
First you’ll buy her new pots and pans, then it will be a new sofa. Oh the buying won’t end until that little bambino comes into this world. Good Luck my friend, Good Luck!

posted by Liliana @ 6:25 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003

One of my employees asked me to bring in pictures of myself giving bootshots. A bootshot is when you pour liquor into your own boot and make someone drink out of it. I am proud to say that I am the inventer of the bootshot. I’m sooo smart! I have had people drink out of my boots, out of my socks, off my toes, and off my stomach. ( In fact 2 weeks ago someone requested a body shot off of my stomach. ” I’m in retirement , You want one off of me it will have to be for $650. ” I can’t believe he actually did it. ) ” GIRLS DON’T START JACKING UP THE PRICES,THEN NOONE WILL BUY THEM . YOU ARE EMPLOYEES AND THERE IS A SET PRICE FOR BODYSHOTS ETC. I CAN DO IT BECAUSE I AM

posted by Liliana @ 10:04 AM

Monday, November 03, 2003

I’m going to Austin tomorrow. I have a bar going up on 6th street and I need to start picking out swag (decor ) for the bar. Also I have to do a whole lot of sucking up because of my Lil Spill about Lee. As he keeps reminding me I went from being one of his best friends to being #14 after writing that. I assume I’m still in the top 20 because we work together. I’m not very good at sucking up. I figure if I just keep saying “Lee your the greatest ” Lee, that rendition you did of … is awesome, you really should show your work to a gallery.” If I can stay with those two themes maybe I will be forgiven. Unfortunately my mouth sometimes has a mind of it’s own. And we all know that there will be plenty of Lil Spill’s which he will be mad at. He just gives me so much material. I can’t help myself. I guess this will be practice for every Lil Spill that he gets upset over. At some point , just like pavlov’s dogs, he’s going to have to accept me for whom I am. ( pain in the ass whom speaks her mind ) This Lil Spill is dedicated to Lee, is going to be a long ride!

posted by Liliana @ 7:35 PM

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Why are girls the worst drunks? 99% of the time when guys get a little too rowdy or act inappropriately, one of the girls or the bouncer simply asks them to calm down or please leave, and they leave! Unfortunately women are never that easy. If a woman gets too rowdy or too risque on the bar, you better hope she has cool friends. If she has cool friends then they usually can calm her down or escort her out. If she doesn’t have cool friends, forget it , fight extraodinaire. I have a great bouncer in New Orleans . I’ll never forget him walking into the bar at noon one sunday. His face was covered with scratch marks.
He told his story with such venom, you had to feel for the guy. Basically a woman was asked to get down from the bar and she would not. Travis went over there and she proceeded to try and kick him in the face . He quickly was able to coax her down but she scratched him mercilessly. Our policy is a no violence policy with the bouncers. Talking is the best way to sooth an irate customer. Well he calmed her down and was able to convince her to leave but she got in a few nice marks on his face. His anger was two fold. He’s not allowed to throw a punch at a customer unless it is an extreme safety issue . And, he is a well manored man who knows he can never throw a punch at a girl, we would never allow it and his morals wouldn’t either.
You can take the girl out of the trash but you can’t take the trash out of the girl. In the words of a true southerner, ” It’s a motherfucking travesty.”

posted by Liliana @ 4:40 PM

Friday, October 31, 2003

Bud Girl with the pig tails, if you even come near the New Orleans bar, I will turn the other cheek while my girl Chantel kicks your ass.
Tonight we had the bud girls vs. coyote girls volleyball match. We knew when they walked in that they had brought ringers. We found out from the refs that 3 of their 6 girls play in a division volleyball league. We came with 2 strong girls (Leah and Catherine), 1 girl who played in high school ( Chantel), and 3 of us straglers(Angel, Jennifer, and me). Leah and Catherine were awesome and we won the first match. ( Best 2 out of 3). The second match we lost. I can’t lie , I really suck, but my fan club cheered me on. Well the third match we were killing them. Leah got up to serve and she wailed on them. The score was (I think) 11-8 our favor . The refs (whom Leah also works for) told Leah to miss. The condition was that the bud girls would in turn miss their shot. This was to make it interesting for the crowd. Well Leah missed and the bud girls decided not to miss their shot. Well to make a long story short, they won. We were pissed. Chantel ,who knew the refs, threw a fit. They claimed it wasn’t fair because we had 1 ringer. Well our response was that they had 3. Needless to say, one of the bud girls got in Chantel’s face and it is now war. Bud Girls, ” Bring It” You have to win by cheating. Well we will take you on again. Name the time and the place and we will be there!

posted by Liliana @ 1:42 AM

Thursday, October 30, 2003

So I am definitely pms and I was up all night very depressed. So this morning, I told myself to list all my positive assets. My #1 positive asset is my son. I love him more than anything in the world. Now get ready for #2. OK, my #2 asset is my breasts. I went over this in my head many times and the happiness that my new breasts give me is unbelievable. When I am in my house walking around naked and I see my reflection in the mirror, I say ” wow those are awesome!”
Now the question that has plagued people for miles around. Real or fake? I have seen real breasts that are phenomenal, breathtaking. And I have seen real breasts that , as the addage goes ” put some bandaids on those mosquito bites.”. That says it all.
I have seen fake breasts that are phenomenal, a real piece of art. And I have seen fake breasts that look like someone put a waffle cone under your skin.
Fake or real? There is no answer.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to Dr. Metzner in New Orleans.

posted by Liliana @ 8:44 AM

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

So many bills so little time. Nobody just writes you a letter anymore. When I was a bartender I used to save every penny I made. I would eat english muffins and mac and cheese. I barely ever went shopping. Obviously I was a good saver since I was able to open the NY bar.
Who invented the credit card? These little cards are going to be the death of me. I always tell the girls to save. Noone listens. Right now I am balancing my check book and doing the NY bars bills. This is depressing. Did I need that new bag? NO! Did the NY bar need the new merchendise? Yes but it still pisses me off.
Then just for extra fun, the NY landlord is squeezing me for every last dime he can get. I’m not a very religious person but if there is a fiery hell, he’ll be there. I am sick thinking about him. Live it up Mr. Landlord, LIVE IT UP! Enough. I’m going to do yoga now!

posted by Liliana @ 11:37 AM

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

My one brain cell was definitely not functioning properly last night. Helmut or helmet? Perhaps in german, Helmut means cool ass mother fucking head gear. Or perhaps it means stupid jerk. A College education and I still can’t spell.
Today let’s talk about Lee. His corporate title is Director of future business development. He really is a jack of all trades. Except construction. He wouldn’t know a hammer from a screw driver. Well he has been designing most of the new merchandise. We have had the most blood curdling screaming matches over the most minute little things. I really love a lot of his new designs, but there is one particular item that I am not happy with. I’m sorry but the spades thing is getting so old. What a character he is. I love him dearly, he is such a good friend. He claims he knows more about fashion then I do. I call him Mr. Over the Top. I have this awesome picture of him wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. ( I wish I could figure out how to put it up.) Picture a guy with black (sometimes), spiky hair. Always a pair of sunglasses on. He is good looking. But I’m sure he knows that since he spends a lot of his day checking in the mirror.. If being fashionable means wearing a truckers hat sideways ,then he is right. He is more fashionable than me. I am laughing so hard while I am writing this. We fight like brother and sister. This Lil Spill will definitely be a huge fight. Nothing but love for you Lee. This Lil Spill is dedicated to everyone who buys the new black thermal. Hold on to them because it is definitely a limited edition.

posted by Liliana @ 1:45 PM

Big birthday today. My son turned 4. He had the time of his life. I love watching him have so much fun. And I can’t help it but I have to say, he is a good looking kid. My genes of course!
This weekend was unbelievably busy. Some nice bikes parked outside the bar! I really want to get a Harley sportster. I saw a few cool custom bikes by big dog , gasoline Alley, and West coast Choppers. But as I said to Jacqui , I simply don’t deserve those quite yet. One issue that concerns me when riding a bike is : My hair. I fight having a bad hair day, everyday. How the hell am I going to pull off wearing a helmut and not have a fucked up hairdo. And if I don’t wear a helmut my hair is going to be like a rat’s nest. Not wearing a helmut is not an option. I don’t want to die and have the worst hair day of my life and death. Right now, Lee is probably designing a Coyote Ugly bandanna just for me. ” Don’t put too much time into it Lee, I hate the way bandannas look on me.” Well that’s all I have to say about that. My girls did great this weekend. My compliments. This Lil Spill is dedicated to my son. I love you!

posted by Liliana @ 12:04 AM

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Who loves Steel Ponies more than me? The answer is Jacqui ( GM NY, choreograoher ). We are having a blast. Hot bikes, hot guys, hot girls, and a lot of booze makes for an awesome time. My girls look great, they are selling the new merch in the classic Coyote style. A woman buys a shirt then is forced to get on the bar ( that Kevin built ) and her shirt is cut into a tiny halter ( only leaving the words Coyote Ugly ). We made a lot of men and women very happy yesterday.
A couple of the girls danced on stage with the group Diamond Back. They were doing a cover of an old Guns and Roses song and Jacqui kept screaming ” do the Axel” ( Axel Rose lead singer Guns and Roses ). Later we found out that the girls thought Jacqui was saying ” do the asshole” I can only imagine what the girls thought that meant. As we were recounting the story I realized , ” my god these fucking girls don’t even know who Axel Rose is! ) Now that is a fucking reality check. Indian Larry and Billy Lane were in the bar. Really Nice guys, awesome Bikes. This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Hot Bikers with hot bikes!

posted by Liliana @ 10:51 AM

Friday, October 24, 2003

New Orleans girls listen up! Char, my NY girl, came to New orleans yesterday. I asked her to come down and help during Steel Ponies and Halloween Bike Fest. She gave out cards and flyers on the plane. She handed out flyers at the airport. I gave her her work schedule, which is, Friday (Steel Ponies ), Saturday (Steel Ponies), and Sunday ( day shift at the bar) . Her reaction was : ” Lil I’ll have at least 100 people from Steel Ponies and the airport in the bar on Sunday to visit me.” This is what I’m fucking talking about. Build up your shifts. Be aggressive. Make it happen! The New York girls were trained exactly the same way! Show everyone that you are just as good! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all my girls. I think I need to open a can of ” Whoop Ass” and get you guys motivated.

posted by Liliana @ 10:22 AM

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Boston girls I am not picking on you. I tell the girls at my bars the same thing. Whether you are a Coyote at one of my bars or a licensed bar, I love you. I wish you the best of luck at the bar and in life.
So let me pick on my girls a bit. There are 3 bars that I own equity in. New York, New Orleans, and Tampa. New York and New Orleans I deal with on a daily basis. I placed one of my managers from NY in Tampa. I feel confident that her 3 years with me will help her keep my coyote principles pure in that city.
One of my favorite girls in NY is a girl named Char. When she was hired she couldn’t dance a lick and she was a mediocre bartender. I love her. She still can’t dance a lick. In fact, Jacqui doesn’t even let her dance the choreographed numbers. Now I can honestly say, she has become a really good bartender. I’m flying her down to New Orleans today to help with Steel Ponies. Why ? That girl can sell!!
New Orleans. I have a girl named Tara. She is my best girl on the Mic. But for the first 4 months , we would physically hide the mic from her because she was overusing it. I love Tara! But just like every Coyote she has to hear my shit too.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Coyotes. I love you but as long as I’m alive you will have to hear my shit. The END!

posted by Liliana @ 10:01 AM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

My hat is off to the women of my neighborhood. You know what, their houses look great and mine looks like shit. My house is like the eye sore of the block. I have lived here for 5 months and I still haven’t finished unpacking. I am pathetic. I’m sure they are loving the 3 week construction job that is going on in my backyard. I asked Kevin to build a portable bar that we can bring to all the bike fests etc. My god, Michelangelo could of done this thing quicker. On Kevin’s behalf I will say that he is an excellent carpenter and the detail that he has put into this bar is outstanding. On the other side, my fucking god, the girls are going to destroy it anyway. In addition to that it has to withstand the elements. This is an official apology to the neighborhood for the construction. Maybe I can get Kevin to work in the buff and invite all the girls over. We’ll drink beer and just watch. Naked with just a toolbelt. A woman’s dream. Friday starts Steelponies so this bar has to be finished by then. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the women on my block putting up with our shit. And to Kevin for doing such a good job.

posted by Liliana @ 9:21 AM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

I seem to be getting quite a few e-mails about a particular girl ( Coyote) in Boston. Let’s call her The Yapper. Well Yapper this is directed to you. Get off the god damn mike. When you cut off the music and talk for 2 minutes it is annoying. When you get on the mike it should be short and sweet. I feel sorry for the girls in Boston. Boston is a franchised bar and I can only help if the owners want my help. I am so glad I’m not franchising ( licensing ) anymore. It’s so frustrating. Being a Coyote isn’t easy. Being a great Coyote is even harder. If any of the Boston girls read this, feel free to e-mail me and we can talk.
Now I just received a very important e-mail. My trademarks went through in Croatia and Estonia . If I die today I can die happy. What do you think the chances are of me opening a Coyote Ugly in Croatia? I’m not really sure where Estonia is? Stranger things have happened! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the people in foreign lands . It may not be tomorrow or even a year from now, but I’m coming!

posted by Liliana @ 10:22 AM

Monday, October 20, 2003

Big business woman! This weekend an article about my company came out in Inc Magazine. Some of the quotes from the licensees are just priceless. Nothing like some fiction to spice up the article. Peace and tranquiltity, that’s what I am about. Only love for those licensees . I wish them all the best when I am moving forward with my company and they are chasing someone else down. OK just a little venting. Now what I am really upset about is ” Why don’t I ever look good in these fucking pictures?” I’m such a fucking girl. The article could have said that I was a piece of shit (which it didn’t) . But if the picture was good , I would be somewhat happy. I can’t help it. Very shallow, I know.
Actually , the article expressed the important moral of my story. My way or the highway! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the hardworking entrepeneurs who want success and happiness.

posted by Liliana @ 3:51 PM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

A beautiful day in New Orleans. The Saints won, that is the only important issue today. There are two issues that you have to know to gauge the Sunday day crowd. The first is: is it is a home game? The second is: did the Saints win? In New York you have the Jets and the Giants. But most of the city consists of transplanted New Yorkers so you root for the loudest group in the bar ( except for the Cowboys, I can’t root for them out of principle) Personally I love football. Unfortunately, 98% of the girls who work for me could care less about this wonderful game. Year after year I try and teach the girls how to run the football pools. I’ve thrown in the towel. The two people I think are even more pathetic are two guys I have working for me on the corporate level. One of them , we’ll call him Mr. Metrosexual, had to do research before a meeting with The Mavericks ( Dallas NBA team). I called him up and said ” Mr. Metrosexual could you please get to know The Mavericks so you can pretend to be a normal guy.” It seemed to work. I think they offered him a job after that meeting. The other guy who works for me, we’ll call him Mr. Lollipoop head ( my son calls him that), only knows one sports person ,Ray Lewis. He happened to be the manager on duty when Ray Lewis supposedly shot someone at an Atlanta nightclub. That’s it. That is the extend of his sports knowledge. I’ll repeat, pathetic! This Lil Spill is dedicated to Doug Jolley, of the Oakland Raiders. He needs to get me about 20 points so I can win my fantasy football match.

posted by Liliana @ 7:35 PM

Saturday, October 18, 2003

It is true, “the hangovers hurt more than they used to.” Since moving to the Big Easy, I have started drinking Crown Royal. Is this a good thing? I don’t think drinking 20 shots of anything is really a good thing. Unless your paying for them at one of my bars. I have a vague recollection of performing “Devil” ( a choreographed routine) with the girls. People said I was good. I’m just glad I didn’t fall off the bar with those goddamn 20 inch high sandles I was wearing. The key to drinking that much is to follow it up with a viewing of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Now that’s fun! Needless to say, my dreams last night were quite bloody. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the poor schlumps like me , whom woke up today with a splitting headache.

posted by Liliana @ 11:06 AM

Friday, October 17, 2003

You have to give credit to some of these girls. They have made a career out of picking up single ( sometimes married) men. I was just in Chicago and I asked about one of the girls I hired ( since I feel we should keep her name anonymous, we’ll call her The Big Ho ). The Big Ho was gorgeous, but as she was training, I knew she was not long for her life as a Coyote. The first weekend the Chicago bar was opened I watched her interact with male customers . This girl was a pro! And it was within the first month that The Big Ho found her sugar daddy and took off. People ask “well Lil why would you hire her?” All I can say to that is ” Even if it was for 1 month, this girl could sell ice to an Eskimo.”
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the big hos out there whom have worked for us. Good Luck and stop by and see us sometime.

posted by Liliana @ 11:39 AM

Thursday, October 16, 2003

How many Kristys can one bar have? The NY bar has recently hired two Kristys and it is driving me nuts. I never know whom the night manager is refering to. Then I started thinking about all the Kristys we’ve had. Small Kristy, tall Kristy, Loud Kristy, psycho Kristy. Well you have to have a little psycho in you to work at Coyote. We’ve also had a real psycho customer Kristy. Small Kristy was definitely my favorite Kristy (new Kristys don’t be upset I don’t know you yet). She was a little work horse. But as per usual, she fell in love and the boyfriend made her quit. Oh that topic will be another Lil Spill. This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Kristys that have worked for me. Send pictures and tell me what you are doing.

posted by Liliana @ 12:30 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Three things that drive me fucking nuts with these girls. 1. tanning all the time 2. Eating crap all day and then going for breakfast after your shift 3. Wearing what is not suitable for you.
Tanning: read the fucking paper. One day you wake up and you have this one line that doesn’t go away. Well honey, get ready there are a million lines that are just waiting to come out. Just buy the tan in the bottle. Stupid young girls have no idea what they are doing to themselves.
Eating crap: ” Lil you are in such good shape. How do you do it?” This is not fucking rocket science. Eat well and exercise. After you eat that bag of Doritos, don’t be surprised that your leather pants don’t fit. We always said when a girl started that she would gain the Coyote 15. And it pisses me off everytime. Don’t bitch to me how fat you’re getting, when you sleep in till 3pm and then eat crap all day! Also, who said it is mandatory to go out for breakfast at 5 am? I certainly didn’t. Go home and go to sleep. If you are hungry drink a glass of water, you’ll get over it.
Wearing what is not suitable for your body type: If you have a gut, don’t wear a cut off t-shirt. If you have big thighs, don’t wear Daisy Duke shorts. We are women. Women have curves in different places. Wear what exentuates your positives. I can only imagine the mail I am going to get about this!
This Lil Spill is dedicated to noone in particular, I’m just pissed off today!

posted by Liliana @ 5:43 PM

Friday, October 10, 2003

My neighborhood is a exactly what I imagine Mayberry ( from Andy Griffith Show) to be. And The women in my neighborhood are dead ringers for the old movie The Stepford Wives. I have 3 domestic skills. 1.caring for my son 2.cooking 3.doing laundry (but not folding it) . I have no other domestic skills what so ever. I simply didn’t get that gene. Well October 1st came and these women in my neighborhood were outside of their houses decorating for Halloween. When I grew up, you always had one decked out house but everyone else just placed a few pumpkins outside. Well these freaking women have their houses looking like haunted houses from the movies. The woman ,two doors down from me, has police crime scene tape wrapped around her house. They are showing me up! My house is the only house on the block with no decorations. I am so incensed about this that I am going to hire Kevin (director of operations for my company) to create the most evil house ever! My house is going to look so fucking evil that the kids in the neighborhood will all need therapy after seeing it. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the non domestic women all over the world. Go get um girls!

posted by Liliana @ 10:00 AM

Thursday, October 09, 2003

New Orleans. A whole different ball game down here. I have 2 stories that come to mind that describes what we are dealing with down here in the south. The first story was related to me by my manager Marshall. The bar was doing a liquor promotion one night and he was very impressed with one of their promo girls. He asked this beautiful girl if she was interested in being a Coyote. She was very interested and asked about some job specifics. When Marshall stated that a regular shift was 8 hours long, she immediately stoped him. ” I could never work more than 4 hours at a time!” What do you say to that? That’s the first story.
The second story was told by my manager Aaron. He told me that one of the girls kept trying to get cut early. First it was “I have my period.” Secondly, it was “my aunt is very sick.” And thirdly, it was “I think I have tuberculosis.” Aaron being a very smart man simply said ” spell tuberculosis and you can go home.!” Well she stayed till the end of her shift .
I love my New Orleans girls , they are some of the funniest people I have ever met. These girls use the phrase “mother fucker” as a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb. This Lil Spill is just a little insight on living in the south by a New Yorker.

posted by Liliana @ 10:33 AM

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

I am so proud! The Village Voice, one of NY’s premier liberal newspapers, mentioned us in their ” best of” issue. I actually think they created a new catagory just for us. I’ve got tears in my eyes writing this. We won : Best vomit soaked booths and girls dancing. They combined two very distinct catagories to fit us in. My mom was so excited. She said ” honey you’ve finally done it! congratualtions. “
Well truth be told, the customers are so well trained , that they would rather puke in their hands and run to the bathrooms then feel the wrath of the bartenders. But I will accept this award as a very prestigious compliment for all the girls whom work at the Coyote Ugly NY.
PS fuck all of you that feel a need to correct my spelling mistakes!

posted by Liliana @ 11:48 AM

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Men are so typical. This is the story. Last Friday I was in New York and the New York bar was having some electrical problems. We made an appointment , and as most of these agencies do, they told us that someone would be at our location before 6pm. Great. No electricity means no ice, no cold beer, no heat, and no music. Well Jacqui, the GM, asked one of the girls, Char, to call the serviceman. In a very sexy, dumb blond way, ( she’s not blond) she called ” Sir, Please get down here as quick as you can. I’m half naked and I am dyeing of cold. ” Low and behold the serviceman was at the bar in 15 minutes. This demonstrates why Coyote Ugly works. Smart business women + dumb men = success. I love my job.
Lil

posted by Liliana @ 6:55 PM

10 and 1/2 years and it finally happened. Melissa, a bartender, put her foot right through the NY bar. Jacqui the manager called me up concerned about the large hole that now existed in the bar. My first response was “is Melissa alright?” I was informed that she was fine. My second response was “let’s sell the broken pieces on e-bay.” Of course Jacqui already started fixing it and didn’t save any of the fragments. My third response was more awe inspired. 10 and 1/2 years of debauchery on that bar and this is the first structural collapse of the bar. My god we must have a guardian angel looking over us.

If the walls of that bar could talk, I would be in a lot of trouble and so would most of our regulars.

I have no doubt there are people who will have scrolls of Lil stories that are filled with sex, lewd behavior, and drunken antics. My mantra, “If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.” But for every one story about me I usually have ten for each devoted customer.

This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the loyal customers who have shared in a few nights of debauchery with me and the customers who are sharing those moments now with all the girls of Coyote Ugly.