As the cycle of grief rotates, today is anger. I am mad at Kevin B. I asked him to come to my house over the weekend and his response " I have strep throat. I am on antibiotics." Part of me has to laugh that he is that insensitive and consumed with himself ( his health insurance card gets used the way most people use their blockbuster card). Regardless, some of my anger is focused on him.
Today, I received a beautiful sympathy card from shawna's ( GM San Antonio) mother. When I first received it I felt very grateful. And I did and still feel really moved that she wrote me personally. But I read the letter and I realized I don't feel any of the things she wrote about. She wrote that Tuesday's will never be the same for me. I want to preface this by saying, Shawna's mom is so kind and nice but I can't lie, I feel fine with Tuesdays. Then I started thinking " is something wrong with me that I am fine with Tuesdays?" So now I am angry with myself .
Now the most anger I feel is toward a person that called himself Jacob's friend. I always hated this guy. He was a big thorn between Jacob and myself. I also can't stand his girlfriend/wife/cousin. I am pissed that Jacob spent so much time with him.
I could go on but to recap my day " I am pissed off"
On the business front I will be in Ny next week for the anniversary party.
By the way thanks everyone on Sunday for paying your respects to Jacob and coming to the 6 year anniversary party in New Orleans. The girls looked gorgeous.

Thank you Lee for making me laugh. I just noticed that the new website is up. For the record I had absolutely no imput into the new site, at all. It was Lee and Amelie's creation. What made me laugh is to see how many picture's of Lee are on the home page! Lee's the new Coyote Ugly Male model. Lol
Today I am going to try and get back to work. I need to get back to some normalcy. I understand now more then ever, " Life goes on."
Jackson scored 2 goals in his soccer game on saturday. He is quite a star.

I went to Jacob's apartment and I found an old journal of poetry. I found this one poem and I recognized the story. It was a time when Jacob was very young. He said it was when he was still growing and he was really small. When he left his apartment which was in a rough neighborhood he got jumped. Here's the poem

Let Me In Or I'll Ride On The Hood

I roll everynight, It's the quickest way
This is perfectly safe, I know it's ok
Goin out dancing, dressed to the nines
Enjoyed my life, paid all my fines
Not a care in my head, 'cept how my hair looks
In darkness caught slippin, by posted up crooks

Three villans roll up, as I pass on the right
I nod my wazzup, stars explode in the night
I start backin up, somehow still on my feet
All by myself, a long way from the street
Sucker punch to the face, left dazed and confused
A question of " what?", as my burning blood spews

I'm blacking out now, as my lifes blood pools
My " What?" isn't answered, what'd I do to these fools
My eyes aren't workin, I can hardly see
What did I do, this can't be happening to me
The silence is deafening, got to hear myself talk
I try " what?:" again, it's gettin harder to walk

"Where ya gonna run?" , from blurry thug on the right
"What?" I'm confused, probably won't live through this night
"Give us ya money", its punk number two
A light in the haze, it's finally come through
I'm being mugged, where do I go
There are three of them, I'm too fucked up to throw

Stalling for time, wanting one more sun
Eyes full of blood, nowhere to run
"Don't have any money!" gotta sell my lie
Pull myself together, don't wanna die
" Where ya gonna run?" now survival begins

I run and jump, a sewage ditch in sight
Sink to my chest, ignore the smell in my fright
Shouting at darkness, my sanity's fled
Blood flows freely, my god it's so red
They're comin again, dear lord this is it
I emerge from the quagmire, covered in shit

I run as they circle, hoping to flee
Screamin my head off, world hear my plea
Then up ahead, salvation in sight
Most beautiful of miricals, two pontiac headlights
I run up the road, as fast as I can
Jump in front of the car, scare the hell out of the man

The tires squeal in protest, he breaks just in time
A blood spattered apparition, covered in slime
Hands held up as I plead , He shakes his head no
I beg for a ride, he begs let me go
I grimmace in pain, knowin my words are no good
Let me in the damn car, or I'll ride on the hood


Jacob was probably only 18 when he wrote this.

What a fucked up few days. I know that everyone wants me to tell the details, but I just don't want to. Jacob's death this week has brought on so many emotions, I don't think words can describe them. I have heard a lot of rumors going around and I just want all of us to stop and say " rest in peace." If there is a negative thought about him or what happened, stop yourself and say " goodbye Jacob, hope you are happy." I am the only human in the world who knows exactly what happened and how. And even though I will probably spend years in therapy, I still want everyone to remember the funny times because it's just not right to think about anything negative when it comes to Jacob. So I will leave you off with a story I remembered last night:
A few years ago Jacob and I were in my car driving from store to store furniture shopping. He always drank a ton of juice and milk so we stopped at a gas station and picked up a bottle of orange juice for the ride. As I was driving he poked me and started motioning that he was going to throw up . I pulled over right away and he threw up on the side of the road. It ended up that the juice we bought went bad and it actually had chunks of fermented juice in it. Now this may seem odd to some that I would bring this story up but we laughed so hard all day because of that. In fact when we came home and picked Jackson up from school, jacob told him the story and we laughed all night. Jackson thought this was the funniest thing.
For as many tears that have been shed there were many more laughs that had been had between us.
Love you always Jacob

My first email of the day was a cc'd message from Daniel to one of the managers. Let's just say it was a very stern message. Reading it I could actually hear him yelling. I love having regional managers because they absorb the first shock wave of bullshit from the bars. Following that first wave, I then get a watered down version from the regional managers so that I don't have a coronary, since I am advancing in age. Memphis , San Antonio, and Austin having killer nights last night.
I will be honest, I barely ever check my Lil Spill email. It just got too overwhelming. Today I decided to check it and see what was going on. I received a letter from an irate person who has emailed me a lot in the last year ( a lot). This person thinks I put a "trojan" on her computer. This person is a bit obsessed with me and Coyote Ugly. " Miss, if you knew anything about me you would know that there are two trojans I know of . One is in mythology and the other is in a plastic wrapper you buy at the drug store." Part of me is awed by the kind of power my company has. I am shocked how many people read my Lil Spill. But the other part of me finds it scary that people say such horrible scary things. The price we pay for doing a good job.
After 5 years I got new headshots done last week. Lee and Julie ( president of production company for the show) have been hounding me to get some new pictures for years. I hate getting my picture taken. It's so unnerving to me. I told Romney the photographer. " I have one look. I can either look serious in this one look or do a partial smile. If you are anticipating a million different poses and looks then you will be sorely disappointed." Regardless, I actually like my headshot. I don't look horrible.

Jackson wrote this to me for Valentine's day:

beat of roudolph the red nose reindeer



mommy and cheeto and bonnie too_____ I just want to let you know I love you`
and most of all I just want you to have fun at the mall
mommy I really love you
yes you know I really do
hope you have a happy day
and like my vibrating poo
as you know today is a verry special day
It is when you get love and wash the flea’s away
Now I am really hiper
And broke your chair for good
Hope you forgive me later
And don’t yell at me now
And don’t yell at me now


Love,
Jackson

From Tony, new AM in NYC
Lil,
On another note, I just wanted to tell you that after adding it all up, your Coyote crew, both women and men, raised over $10,000 for charity in the past year. Thanks mostly to the organizational skills of my predecessor, Kim Hale. The girls raised money and did a cancer walk. Both guys and girls raised money and did a bike ride for MS. Then there was the 'Afternoon of Musical Theatre' that the whole staff performed after weeks, months, of one day a week rehearsals. I just thought I'd let you know what kind of people you have working for you up here in NYC.
Sincerely,
Tony

That warms my heart!!!

Forget mother Theresa let's talk about how freaking fat I look on the season 3 segments. Who the fuck am I telling these girls they need to lose weight when I am a good ten pounds too heavy. For god sakes, the producers always worry about my hair and makeup. Give me a scale and a personal trainer then let's worry about my face!!
My son posed a question to me today, " Mom if you had diarrhea and when it came out of your butt it froze and became a hard line of diarrhea from your butt to the floor and it wouldn't go away . In fact where ever you walked it went with you, what would you do? " Well Jackson that is a difficult question. My only answer is that I would make it my life goal to get rid of it . Pray that I could cover it with a dress. And hope it did not smell because it was frozen." I get these questions pretty much every day. The life of having a son!

Austin had a kickass night last night!!! Awesome. After reading the san antonio manager's log, I offered the manager advice. Why not let the bouncers bartend? They would of made more money, tried harder, and whine a lot less.
My mother has sent me some articles about letters written by Mother Theresa to her clerical mentor. The letters show a human being questioning the existence of god. Wanting answers. Feeling so alone and lonely. I am obsessed with these articles . A woman of such pure heart feeling human. It just makes you admire her even more.

Always something! I get a letter from the AM of NY, Tony. This girl threw a drink in her dates face and hit him over the head with a beer bottle. He said that it was over in about 10 seconds and she took off immediately cathcing a cab down the block before the bouncers could stop her. Our barback got the license number of the cab so hopefully this girl will get caught. I have seen a lot of things in the bar business but I never understood the violence some people have inside of them. I have never hit somebody with a beer bottle. I can only theorize that I would break a beer bottle over someones head if my life was in danger or the life of someone I love. Girls are the worst because there is no defense. The bouncers have to be super cautious about ejecting them . Most long time bouncers will tell you stories about girls punching them in the face, digging their nails into them, kicking them and they just have to keep themselves under control and eject the woman without any physicality from them. My son has a soccer game this morning. His dad is the coach of the team. Yesterday his dad told me that he had signed me up as assistant coach. I don't know anything about soccer. " Don't worry about it. The kids don't really listen anyway." I had a nightmare last night about Jackson's school fair " fete" . In real life the chairman of the beverage committee had signed me up as co chair without asking me. This particular woman dropped out and I was then asked if I was going to stay as chairman. I said no. I will donate the beer and wine and work the booth but I did not want to be the actual chairman. Well in my dream, the donators of water and orangina dropped out and I was scrambling to get more donations. This dream is just a representation of what stress i put on myself!

Awesome night at the Austin anniversary party. So fun! The girls looked beautiful. Their theme was animal prints. Sexy tarzan and jane outfits. The San Antonio crew came down . They are always crazy and fun.
It always suprises me how many employees who were let go still come out for these things. In the first 5 minutes I ran into 3 former managers. Good Luck to all of them.
The austin bar is one of my favorite layouts of all the bars. I love the patio. Great vibe in that bar. Daniel decorated the private party room upstairs. I was shocked at how bad it looked. They painted the walls red/pink and white strips, like a candy cane. The furniture reminded me of the broke frat house guy furniture. I told Kellor , top priority to change that second floor. Please dont ask Daniel for any decorating tips.
Regardless, I had a ton of fun last night.

I love watching my son sleep. He looks so precious. Last night he finally came to the resolution that he is going to grow up and there is nothing he can do to stop it. Another funny tid bit. He asked me why I never eat bread. I said that I was looking after my figure. He said I needed to gain more weight in my midsection for protection. I said my butt is big enough to protect my whole body.
Memphis, finally coming alive. Great night! I got a few texts from Judith. She let one of the girls go and ended up bartending. " It's good for you Judith to get in the trenches once in a while".
San Antonio and Nashville having great nights.
I received messages from Travis and Chantel. One of the memphis girls who came down to work in New Orleans over Mardi Gras fainted and split her chin opened. Usually that stuff doesn't happen until the end of Mardi Gras. I am so curious about the numbers from Last night!! Cross my fingers!!!