Today I feel like I'm in third grade, looking out the window wishing that I could take the day off. It is gorgeous out today in New Orleans. I just heard that one of my New Orleans bartenders got engaged. She is 24 ( maybe 25) this will be her 2nd marriage. " for god sakes how stupid can you be? " What is it in the south? Is there something in the water? Is it some weird brainwashing that makes a girl believe she needs a man to survive? Is the south some third world country where you get a dowry for the girl? " Here let my son marry your daughter and I'll give you this broken down pickup truck and this shot gun!"
What the girl's parents are really getting is a live in son in law and god willing a GRANDCHILD THEY HAVE TO RAISE.
I know I'm not one to talk but , what happened to the institution of marriage? Will someone talk some sense into these girls!!

A friend of mine from College just e-mailed me. He reminded me that I made out with Adam Sandler in college. This was actually funny. Adam Sandler and his roommate got the #2 pick in the whole University for dorm rooms. How this draft system worked was that you got a draft # and that's how you got to choose what room you took. Basically you would choose the best room of what rooms were left available. That particular year my friend and his roommate got the #1 pick and Adam Sandler and his roommate got the #2 pick. There is a dorm called Brittany on the NYU campus. This dorm had 2 penthouse apartments with two separate roof decks. PIMP! So Adam had a Charlie Manson party. I can't remember exactly what this was based on but Geraldo or 60 Minutes was doing an up close and personal interview with Charles Manson. Well Adam and his roommate had a party around this tv event.

I'm not sure what romantic moment brought me and Adam together. It could of been the insanity of Charles Manson or maybe it was the delicious taste of Shaffer beer in cans. I don't think god intended for me to have all the answers. But that was the last time I saw Adam. Our love for psychotic killers just wasn't strong enough to keep us together.

Panama City girls. I'll be there on Wed. Big week for you guys.

So today I had around 100 e-mails from people across the globe. Most of those people chatting about the CMT special. But there were also quite a few letters directed to the New Orleans bar. Usually I get a few letters about Vegas, New York, New Orleans, also Austin. But today was solely New Orleans. Every letter beaming about what a good time they had at the New Orleans bar and how much they loved the girls. I put a lot of pressure on the girls who work at the bars that I run day to day. NY, New Orleans, Austin. I'm probably hardest on the New Orleans girls because I live here. It has been a rough transition from being in New york to moving down here. There is a difference in the attitude. The girls are just different. But it is very refreshing to hear that people like the New Orleans bar. I even got a letter about Veronica ( the wild one). If I wrote some of the stunts she has pulled my lawyers would kill me. But take it from me, she is crazy!! But that's what we love about her.
I go in the New Orleans bar yesterday. It was the day shift and Angel and Brooke were working. Angel looked like complete shit. She fell off a mechanical bull and fractured her ribbs. " I know you need the money but if you can't work, don't fuck us or your partners up." I'm going to try and do something today for her shift. "Buy the gimp a shot day." I figure if she was stupid enough to get hurt and then she wants to work. Well let's make some money on her injury. These girls are out of control. We used to do bikini arm wrestling on saturday day shifts. The girl who did them was undefeated. One day she went out got really drunk. Of course ended up at a strip club. Challenged a stripper to an arm wrestling match. And broke her arm in a million places. Hence we no longer have bikini arm wrestling day.
As a true New Orleanean would say " These girls are motherfucking crazy!"

Technology today. Aaron and I have had a bit of a tiff today. The whole argument has been waged over e-mail. I find I still get just as angry even if it takes place via the internet. Thank god Aaron and I never IM each other, my hands would be numb from typing that fast. That's what I don't like about IM'ing, if you are not a fast typer, you don't get your point across. Aaron and I will be fine tomorrow. I'm pissed over a paperwork issue.
So tonight the CMT special came on again. I showed it to Jackson. Within 10 seconds he asked if we could put a movie on that had both of us in it. I said to him " Jackson this is mommy's job. You should be proud of mommy." His quick response was " I want to watch a show for boys. All the girls' lips look cracked up. It's scary." Out of the mouths of babes. " Girls he's only 4, he didn't mean it. He's just pissed that he wasn't on TV. "
So I rewatched the special and I want to reiterate something. The girls have to work so hard to be Coyotes. The show only showed the dancing. But they take bartending classes, liquor classes, they have to learn procedures, and they have to learn my history and the history of the bar. It's not just a regular bartending job. They need to use the mic. They need to be funny, witty, and become great salesmen. It's a hard job. But for a lot of people; bartenders, bouncers, porters, barbacks, managers, it's the best job they ever had. Some nights are great. You have the crowd eating out of your hands and you're a rock star. Other nights the crowd is hard. You try and entertain them but they don't react. you use the mic and instead of being funny you insult someone and they leave. When that happens, you have the added bonus of your boss getting upset with you. I remember nights of just being off. Making a drink order and fucking it up. Bumping into the other bartenders and spilling drinks. I still have a scar on my leg from jumping off the bar and hitting the speed rack. I remember nights where I would get home at 6 am, my feet would hurt so bad and then I would have to work the day shift, that same day, because someone called in sick.
I asked some of the managers to give me their recommendations for Coyote of the month. Aaron recommended someone ( can't say). He called her a work horse. He said she is constantly picking up extra shifts and helping out when he or Chantel are away. ( that probably gave it away).
Marshall and the Beave both nominated the same girl. Their comments were about this girl working even when she was injured, always professional, great with customers etc. Being a Coyote is a hard job. You are expected to be a bartender, a performer, a salesmen, and a psychic. By the end of the night you are bone tired and you still have to make sure your register is on and that you finish your closing duties.
Now for us there are added pressures. All the traveling. Getting to know new cities. Working all day and night and going home to a hotel room.
But I love my job and I love my life. Jackson you need to watch this show. One day it will all be yours.

Thanks Russ ( Tampa regular) for the rose. That was very nice. I don't care how cliche it is but I love getting roses. Especially red roses. Corny but I love it. Jazz fest this weekend. You know this will be the New Orleans' bar 3rd Jazz fest and I always just stay at the bar. This year I am going to actually go to the fairgrounds and see some shows.
Chantel has been in Panama City training with Jacqui. I love when Chantel tells me the little things (gossip) that go on in the New Orleans bar . This week it's just Aaron so I don't hear about the boyfriends, the regulars, the lastest dirt. Girls are so much better at that. Sometimes I miss GM'ing the bars. I love working with the girls and hearing trash from the customers. It is different when you are going every week to a different bar. You don't become as close to the girls or to the customers. I love going to the New York bar. So many of my regulars still go there and when I walk in it's like I never left. Unfortunately it still smells the same. Maybe a tad worse.
Good news I think after one full year of negotiations we are going to sign a lease in Cancun!!! Yeah. This week I have gotten hundreds of letters about people wanting us to open in their town. There are a few places that I am actively persuing but haven't had any luck finding the right location. So my thought is just ask the people. So what I am asking is if anyone knows of legitimate spaces in Ft. Lauderdale and Nashville write me about them. lil@coyoteuglysaloon.com
thanks.

Our little girl is all grown up. Kim, my assistant manager in NY just got married. She sent me pictures. They look so beautiful and happy. Oh memories. I had a beautiful wedding. Too bad the marriage didn't work out! But I have to say thanks to Tony. Beautiful wedding, beautiful friend, and beautiful kid. I would say it was well worth it.
So a Tampa bouncer last night told me that behind my back and Lee's, all the bouncers were calling us " The Bobs" I said what does that mean? he said it was a reference to the movie " Office Space" Oh, now I understand. If you don't know the movie let me give a brief synopsis. Bunch of dorky guys, hate their jobs. Beaten by the man. The company brings in corporate honchos and starts evaluating everyone and firing people. Blah blah blah. The funniest line of the movie was when one of the lead characters goes into his meeting with the Bobs.
BOBS: " Looks like you missed a lot of work."
GUY: "Well I wouldn't say I've been missing it, BOB."
Very funny. I was hysterical laughing when Dave, the bouncer, told me this. Of course , the added humor on his part came when I said " I will see you in a month." He then said " Lil, will I still be here in a month?" Good sense of humor he has!
Everyone in Tampa. I really love the staff. Some of the best performers of any Coyote. Just understand that this is a business. If it has the Coyote name on it, I want it to be the best. Anything I do will make the bar better. " See you guys in a month."

Some funny e-mails today. One person asked if I could send them naked pictures of myself so they could have plastic surgery and look like me. Very funny. Maybe I have naked pictures of myself or maybe I don't? Does someone out there have blackmail pictures of me naked. All I can say to that is, as long as I look good, I could give a shit.
I received a very funny e-mail about my assistant manager in Austin, Michelle ( AKA the Beave) So this guy said he walked into the Austin bar and she challenged him and his friends to a Guiness chugging contest. They accepted. He won. Well he realized a few minutes later, that what she did was genius. He paid for 4 pints of Guiness, then after they chugged he bought another round just for them to drink casually. He also bought her a shot to say "Good try!" He said that her one challenge regardless of whether she won or not made the bar $37 in a matter of 10 seconds. "The Beave is awesome!!"
We had a big meeting in Tampa today. Let's see what happens. Back to New Orleans tomorrow. I'm ready to go home.

For everyone who has seen the CMT special " it is hard work being a coyote!!!" Let me tell you, they only showed a very little part of what the coyotes have to do and train for. This is a hard job. Damn it I'm glad we are finally getting some respect!!!
I'm in the office of the Tampa bar right now. I needed to write about how April just chilled a shot of Crown for me. " At what point do I want my whisky chilled? And if anyone orders their whiskey or bourbon chilled, tell them they are an embarrassment to any real drinkers across the globe!" It was April's birthday last week. She has celebrated it every shift she has worked. The positive is that people came in to see her and spent a lot of money buying drinks. The negative is she is pretty much toast midway through the evening. "April birthday week is over, time to get to work."
So they hired a new manager down here. I'm training him for a few days. ( Todd) . I met him this morning and he was so quiet and polite. This afternoon Lee and I met him at the bar and the first thing he said was "Lee I've only known you for a few hours and you are already on your third outfit!!" I laughed so hard. Even Lee laughed. " Lee AKA Metro Man" Todd is a cool guy. We went out and I told him that under no circumstances can he sleep with any of the girls. Well we walked in and Tiffany and April were setting up. Seperately they both eyed him like a piece of meat. Very funny.
Lee just answered the bar phone. he goes " Lil excuse me but you know the barback from the other day? " "Yes Lee I do." " Well that was him, he's in jail."
So what now I've got to go bail him out? Bullshit

OK. The CMT thing went alright. Esther we love you. And Austin girls you look great on TV. Man I am so happy they didn't show the rest of opening night in Austin. Blackmail footage. There is so much that goes into opening a bar and it's too bad they didn't touch on that.
So I'm still in Tampa. These girls need some bartending 101. My bar or any bar, the thing that pisses me off most is bartenders not being able to take more then one drink order at a time. If someone asks you for 2 beers, you have the mental capacity to take someone else's order as well. Back in the day, when I was bartending, I could take 4 peoples orders, solicite drinks for myself, and do the whole Coyote schtick. Man it's painful to watch these girls having to take every order seperately. Sara asked how does a manager teach that? Well at the employee meeting on Tuesday these girls are going to turn into bartending machines!!!
Lauren last night, Super Star!!!

I'm at the Tampa bar this week. Of course the week I come it's not that warm out. I got a place for Jackson and I at the beach. Well it's been so fucking cold he hasn't been able to go in the water. God Bless Chucky Cheese! Who the fuck would ever think I would say that? I brought a few guys from my team. Aaron ( GM New Orleans ) is temporarily working as one of the managers here. Interesting to watch the girls from the different bars. The Tampa girls have some of the strongest performers. But they are weaker at the aggressive sales. But all in all a really good group of girls. I'm going to plan a meeting next week. Poor Tampa girls they are going to have to here my shit next week.
I haven't wanted to mention this but I am nauseous ( I can't spell that) over the fucking Reality show. I feel sorry for Jacqui, they are going to focus on her because they filmed pre opening of Austin, that's when we concentrate heavily on the choreography. Lee and I are going to try and find some secluded place to watch this. God, I'm sure they are going to paint me the fucking mean bitch. " Jacqui we're in trouble"
" Austin Girls. Just remember this is a show that we don't control. Don't freak out over things that are said about each other, us, whatever. I have personal knowledge of how it feels when your words are taken out of context. It sucks but we know the truth. You girls have become a strong team over the last few months. We are a team all of us. Good luck!!"

I'm having one of those days. The phone has been ringing all day. I went to the doctor's office, waited for 30 minutes just to be told he was in surgery and forgot to call me. Then I was in Target picked the wrong line, the register went down. And of course I got stuck there for an extra 20 minutes. Now I'm supposed to go to Tampa on Wednesday and I can not find a hotel. Just one of those days. I don't think yoga is the cure today. Perhaps an ice cream sunday with hot fudge. Or maybe a glass of " Big Ass Shiraz"
I get a message today from a local New Orleans radio station. We already advertise on them. The salesmen said it was very important that he come to the meetings I am having with Big Easy Choppers. " When you decide to pay for this bike, you'll be invited. Back the fuck off till then" For god sakes it's not even a done deal.
Shitty day, perhaps it's best if I sit quietly by myself.

So I went to the Tampa bar last night. Tiffany and Amanda are definitely rock stars. Chrissy was wearing pants that showed off her butt cleavage. Lee told me that that style is all the rage. " Well Chrissy, you definitely have the body to pull it off." KJ, always a pleasure. I know I'm not mentioning everyone but I was impressed at how well all the girls worked together.
I met one of their most dedicated regulars, he was very nice. In fact he has written me several times. Supposedly he is going to get a stool with his name on it. In New Orleans, I made a bet with one of the regulars. I told her that if she came in every night for one year she would get a stool. I couldn't believe it. She did it. The boys got her a stool with embroidered lettering. Pretty nice.
Happy Easter, Passover, or other!
This Lil Spill is dedicated to my son. I love you Jackson.

So I get a call yesterday from my friend Jill who lives in New York. She screams at me " Lil, I can't believe you didn't tell me about being in Entertainment weekly!" So I respond to her that I didn't know I was in Entertainment weekly. " How don't you know? I'm standing in your NY bar and all the regulars have seen it." Of course my natural response to this is " do people read Entertainment weekly?" " Lil, you know all the other 7 page spreads you've done in GQ, Inc etc. That doesn't mean anything. This means you have reached celebrity status." So of course now I'm feeling a bit anxious about seeing this article. I tell Jill, " OK I'll go to the store and buy it." Very nonchalantly she says " you can't get it yet at the stores, you have to be a subscriber."
This magazine is so big people subscribe to it? So I go to the store, just to see, and she was right. I can't get it yet. I'm very curious what it says. I'm also curious about my assistant manager, Kim, being a subscriber. Jill then told me that she, personally, subscribes to Entertainment weekly, People, Us, and something else I can't remember. She actually got me a subscription to Us about 4 years ago, as a christmas present. I can't lie, my ex-husband and I fight to read it. " how over Jessica Simpson is everybody?" OK I'll post the article when I get it. I don't know when us little people can buy it at the stores, but I'll keep everyone posted."

I am in shock. I just received an e-mail from a regular in NY. He sent me a link to a web page that is entitle Ugly Inc. Well everyone knows that is my company's name, and I will risk life and limb to protect my company's name and reputation. But I can't lie, I was so horrified by what I saw on this web site I had to list it here. I don't want to give anything away but I felt the same emotion when I read about lobster boy. Go to this link now before we shut them down. All I can say is " Oh my God!!" www.geocities.com/jt030186/Ugly_Inc.html

Why am I negotiating this custom bike project? Yesterday Terrell , the owner of Big Easy Choppers, was describing to me the cubic size of the engine. That's like white noise to me. I'm interested in the design and look of the bike but I have no clue about what makes a bike work! Now I have choices on the air compression system and other working parts. Who the hell am I, Indian Larry? As we all know I am not Indian Larry, even though he is very nice. Kevin spoke to me afterwards and asked some questions about the mechanics of the bike. This was my answer: " how the fuck do I know? You need to call them yourself" In this instance, I'm the money man. Just get me the cheapest price and tell me how it's going to benefit the company.
In the meeting they asked if I rode and I told them how I had been in an accident once. The short story is; I had a friend ( male) on the back of a bike. We made a turn and skidded ( crash!) Well after that I haven't really ridden. All Terrell could say was " I could never ride bitch behind a woman!" He is very funny. Well let's see what happens.

Oh Veronica, Veronica. This is actually funny. I get a call yesterday from one of the owners of the new Panama City bar. She tells me that Veronica, an old bartender of mine, submitted a resume and wants to work at that bar. I said great , I love Veronica. As long as you expect wild and crazy, you will get an excellent Coyote. ( just for record Veronica will go down in history as one of the wildest Coyotes, but she is an awesome technical bartender and she really gets the crowd going). So I didn't think much of this, until just a minute ago, I get an e-mail from Aaron. This e-mail tells me that Veronica is coming back to work Saturdays. " Nice working both sides. Veronica, I admire that. Too bad I'm a partner in Panama City and I know what's going on." Nothing but love for you. So work as long as you can in New Orleans and we will wish you well in Panama City.
Nothing else to report. Boston girls I got a very nice letter from some fireman up there. Excellent!!

I meet Kevin in denver. We had to evaluate a possible new location. Well he shows up and claims to have elevation sickness. You know how when you are skiing in the mountains, like he was just doing, you always get sick when you have to go back to work. Well we go with our host out to a delicious restaurant called Cielo. ( spanish for sky) The restaurant was delicious, and even I thought the mojitos were good. ( Don't get any ideas that I will serve those in my bars, any drink with fresh herbs in it , is definitely not worthy of Coyote Ugly) Kevin has these chopotle ribs. And being a fragile caucasian boy (key words fragile and boy) he was not feeling well all night. Almost like drinking the water in mexico. "Lil I feel like turd. And I can't shake this elevation sickness) What am I Florence Nightingale? This elevation sickness certainly didn't stop him from snowboarding. I also remember a hot tub story. I guess he had to stuggle to have drinks in a hot tub with a bunch of girls.
So today, I literally got off the plane, got into my car and drove directly to Whole Foods ( my favorite store) I'm holding an Easter Egg Hunt for Jackson's class. I'm actually stressed out over this. When I accepted this school job, I figured it would be his teachers and his little classmates. Of course, I find out a few days ago that the parents are going to show up too. OK, now I have to go clean my house and start baking.

Very harsh stories from the Austin bar yesterday. There is something going on in Austin called Relay. I have no idea what that is? Marshall told me that there were mini riots outside the bar. They actually had to lock the doors of the bar so people didn't come screaming inside. That is fucked up. What is it with these events? Can't people just enjoy themselves?
I never thought I would see this day but some woman's tattoos clashed with her outfit. I love tattoos. So sexy!! Yesterday I was standing outside the New Orleans bar with Travis and we saw this girl walk by. She had tattoos up her arms and along her collar bones. They were very floral. Big petals and very intricate vines. Well she wore a very floral sun dress. Look wether it be on your body or on a piece of material two seperate floral prints just don't go.
Seeing this woman got Travis into a conversation about how I should never get a flower tattoo. " Sorry Lil but if I may be so bold . You aren't delicate. Flowers don't suit you" Very nice Travis. I just don't show my delicate side. He then went into telling me that I should get pants custom made to show off my already existing tattoos . I've got two (that you can see) one on each hip. I guess the guys dig my tattoos. Custom pants, ok, I can do that.

So I was at the New Orleans bar during happy hour yesterday. Chantel had to work for Angel yesterday. The usual happy hour team are Angel and Brooke. Well after being there for an hour I told aaron I was going to go home and watch paint dry, probably more exciting. We have human bowling on Friday afternoons. Pretty painful to watch,but I can't lie, it's like a plane crash. You are just drawn to watch it.
The night girls were a breathe of fresh air. KP got in trouble, but the other girls were great.
I may be going to Shanghai and Korea. How cool is that? I am heading to the bar right now. I think next week starts French Quarter fest. I love New Orleans every other week there is a parade or something going on. Just another excuse to drink and party. Excellent!!!

Nice life for Kevin. He was invited by the minnesota contractors that we hired on a ski trip in Colorado. " Lil I have to go. It's corporate relations." Having fun and skiing. That will really help us. " While you're there Kevin. Get their bid down $50,000. Or sell a few points in San Antonio." That is what I call corporate relations.
New York girls, Jacqui is cracking the whip. No more vacations. Promote your shifts!!!
So I get a call yesterday saying that there is a full page spread in " The star" with pictures of Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie on the bar in Tampa. I haven't seen it yet. I wonder if the caption read ; " Dumb Assistant manager and minority owner pay for Billionaire Heiress' Drinks"? That would be pretty funny.
Aaron is pitching me to buy a custom Coyote Ugly Bike from Big Easy Choppers. " Aaron, how much?" " Lil, it's only $40,000" $40,000 for a fucking motorcycle I can't ride. And then I have to raffle it off to someone else. Yeah, Yeah I see the marketing potential in this. But I can't even ride a bike that I'm going to pay $40,000 for. Makes me sick.

I think I need to make a little trip to the Dallas bar. OK girls it is time to get back to the basics.
I got a letter today from a New Orleans regular explaining a bet that Tara and Andrea made against each other. The bet was about who could make a hundred dollar tip first. If Andrea won she would have Tara wash her car in front of the bar and if Tara won she would win a free massage. Well Popsicle, a long time regular, knew about this bet and gave Tara $100. Obviously Tara won the bet. I'm sorry but I think that is cheating. I think we should redo the bet and include washing my car!!! I think Aaron is starting to lose his mind. He wrote me the other day about how good his dart team was (Coyote sponsered). He was so excited. Aaron you need to get a life when the dart team is the most exciting thing to talk about.
I enrolled Chantel in a bartending competion in Italy. She is one of the fastest bartenders I have seen, so I figured this was a no brainer. Well I found out recently that the competion doesn't even include speed. It is all about knowing drinks. Well that would be fine but we don't make froo froo drinks. I'm going to have to get her a European drink book and we'll have to get someone who speaks Italian to teach her to recognize the drink names in Italian. The great thing about Chantel is that she is competitive so she'll be speaking Italian in no time.
That's all I've got.