Tonight we are opening the outside bar in Austin. If I have to fucking cocktail waitress myself, I will make sure people get their drinks. I think Kevin, Marshall, Lee and myself have had a combined total of 6 hours sleep in the last three days. These girls are all over my guys. Everyone of my guys has told me that different girls have been hitting on them hard. " Girls, if I find out that one of my guys is sleeping with you, he'll be fired. Back the fuck off and let them do their jobs. My god use that energy to make some fucking money.
Back to New Orleans tomorrow. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed. This has been a long fucking 16 days. I will say that the Austin bar looks great. The girls are really trying. We are just working out the kinks.
I'm definitely not ready for Mardi Gras. Also, I would like to place a complaint about the Starbucks ( corner 6th St. and Congress in Austin) I love Starbucks, but that Starbucks has the worst service ever. Buck up people! I need my Caramel Macchiato, Pronto!!

Blaine, thank you so much for the $170 vibrator. I haven't seen this thing yet but I'm assuming for this kind of money it provides the best vibrations and also a virtual reality experience. Maybe I can program it to emulate sex with Matthew McConaughey.

Now I received several letters from, I'm guessing, someone I cut at the girl search last week. "Your bar rocks But I hope you die a terrible death." Pretty nice huh!! What the fuck kind of loser wishes someone's death because they just didn't get a job. Get the fuck over it.

Not bad. Last night went very well. I should get stock in the Crown Royal company. Between drinking it myself and making other people drink it, I must be increasing the product sales for the company expedentially. It's hard being me. I have a lot of potential investors whom come to these events, so I have to schmooz them. But yet I must drink with all the customers. Who the hell knows what I'm saying to these people after 10 shots of Crown. They seem to be impressed, I guess they must be drinking just as much as me. It's tradition for me to drink at the opening of these bars. Jacqui called me up this morning and said she had to take a shower because she couldn't stand smelling herself. I feel your pain Jacqui. Jeff, the company lawyer came down and just for fun set up a full day of meetings today. This is when I wish I was 20 again. Quicker recovery time. But the perk today was everyone who met me today was also hungover from last night. I must be doing something right.

Big night tonight. We didn't get our fucking liquor license so we have to use a catering license thanks to the Dallas bar. " Thanks Guys" This is priceless. Two days ago I was told that the reason we hadn't been approved yet for our liquor license was because I was from New Orleans. What the fuck! Well they claim there is a lot of organized crime in New Orleans. " The license application has been with them for 4 months, at what point did you come up with that excuse. " Check me out, I don't give a shit." The only shit you are going to find on me is that every one of my credit cards is maxed out. I didn't buy Christmas gifts for the mob, so I really don't see an organized crime connection.
The girls here are all sick. All the dust in the bar is giving all of us the Black Lung. This is an oldy but a goodie. A quote from NY Maria " Get me a Cuervo pronto! That is Mexican for now!"

No liquor license yet! Why does opening a bar always have to be so stressfull? Marshall just said the funniest thing to me. He had told me that one of the girls couldn't make it for practice today but she had another girl call him. So he said "Is this a girl thing?" So my response was "girls like someone else to lie for them. Guys will do it themselves."

So let's call this particular girl "Whiner". Well I go up to Whiner yesterday and say, "Try and show more personality while you are doing the choreographed dances." Do you know what Whiner's response was? "I have another job and I'm too tired to show any personality." Well Whiner, sorry, no personality doesn't work here. SEE YA!

I'm a little grumpy today. Kudos to Tiffany A. I didn't think she had it in her but she has really came out of her shell and been great. Rene was named dance captain today, Congrats.

WASHATERIA. Now I don't have to prostitute myself just to do laundry.

I'm living out of a suitcase and I have no clean clothes left. This sucks. I have no problem going commando but it would be nice to have a clean pair of underware just in case I meet that someone special . " Excuse me Mr. Big Stuff, after I sleep with you can I use you washer and dryer? " "I'll throw in a little extra loving if you let me use your fabric softener."
Tonight Lee is having his big liquor class. There will be liquor tastings, videos, and a fun lecture on beer. Man , in my day you got a bartending job and they simply stuck you behind the bar and said "go for it. " Still no liquor license. I'm starting to freak.

I don't think the Austin girls knew how hard training was. Man they are dieing. Dancing is definitely not the forte of most of these girls. Jacqui definitely has her work cut out for her.But there are some really cool chicks that are so perfect for Coyote. We've got all types here. Kevin Bailey, aka the Machine, got us our health permit today. I was starting to freak about that. He was too, but " never let them see you sweat" is his motto. Kev, sorry but I saw a bead of sweat on you yesterday. Now wouldn't it be nice if we got our liquor license today too. Why does it always go down to the wire?

Masuimi. Beautiful, smart, funny, wild, and really nice. Go to her website iamtrouble.com. She told me last night that she designs her own website. I can't lie her website is better than mine and I can't design a fucking flyer. She is awesome. She even gave me a present. I love her.

OK we got down to 32 girls last night. We got some great girls. And all types. We've got biker chicks, fetish chicks, white trash luring chicks, southern belle chicks. I am so pleased. A few tears shed by the some the girls that didn't get picked. One girl, I call her spike, ended up being underage, so I cut her. "Why am I always discriminated against by my age?" I had already given the girl a beertub job, I just told her she would have to wait until she was old enough to bartend. "Lil your so cold." I'm not cold . I am not going to potentially hurt my liquor license by employing an underage girl . I'm not a babysitter, I am not going to have the managers spend all their time making sure the minor doesn't drink behind the bar.
That's all folks.

Today was the end of the second day of the Austin girl search. Some great girls showed up. I cut down to 60 girls. Tommorow night at the finals I have to cut down to 30 girls. This will be one of the hardest girl searches because I genuinely liked so many of the girls. How fucking funny the responses to their applications. I can't tell you how many girls wrote down that they were bartenders because they mixed drinks for their friends. One girl wrote down that she was a bartender and a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. So i start grilling her a bit and firstly she tells me the old well I mix drinks for my friends . Sorry honey mixing drinks for your friends isn't what I consider an accomplished bartender. So this continues and I say to her well show us a cheer from the cowboys. Holy shit, she then tells me that she's not exactly a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, she just cheers from the seats when she is at a game. That takes some balls, unbelievable. One girl came to the audition wearing "bubba teeth" . For those who don't know what bubba teeth are, they are fake teeth that are crooked and all screwed up. I have never laughed so hard, that was great! I'm pretty tired. Goodnight!

We are receiveing a shit load of e-mails for the Austin girl search. Excellent. I'm really pumped for this particular girl search. Just to give you guys an idea of what happens after we hire the girls. Usually we have rehearsals and bartending classes that run a week to 10 days before we open.
This is the first time I am handing Lee the job of holding the bartending class. Well today he told me that there would be people brought in to explain the different liquors and there would be a slide show. Oh my fucking lord, we are having the first ever Coyote Ugly Bar Class slide show!! Jacqui and I are definitely bringing in some drinks and some popcorn! The days of just teaching the girls how to make drinks and understand pour counts are over. Hey maybe Lee planned a field trip to a distillery!! Do you think all those Irish bartenders whom have bartended for 20 years, saw a slide show? Hey maybe we could market this slide show? I hope I don't fall asleep during it. Do you think they'll be naked chicks or any explosions?

I can't wait to meet Masuimi. She is a celebrity judge for the Austin girl search. She is a firebreathing, bartending, contortionist, fetish model. How fucking cool is that? And her tattoos on her arms are awesome. At what point do you know you are a contortionist? Is it like a dare? Someone says "here try and fit into this box" and when you try and then you actually fit. "wow I'm a contortionist!"

Go to her site, iamtrouble.com. A gorgeous girl with guns!! Awesome.

Let's regress back to bikini waxing again. Who the hell invented this? And when did you have to start waxing almost the whole thing. (Yes I do the landing strip.) My god, it's painful. The funny thing is that now you hear about these men ( metrosexuals) getting waxed too. If I was a man I'm not doing shit. Soceity says you don't have to so why would you?

So one of my infringers is trying to get a few of my old girls to train their staff. I'm glad, just more evidence that you are stealing from me. Well let's hope you make money because you will be paying your lawyers, my lawyers, and me.
OK Austin, I'm coming to town. Big big weekend. Who will be the lucky girls picked to work at Coyote Ugly Austin? I'm very excited!!

I'm officially going insane!! Can more go wrong today? The topper being that the pipes in the NY bar burst today. I wonder how much that is going to cost me? " Hey honey I'll work on your pipes if you'll work on mine!" You couldn't pay me enough to even think that with my NY plumber!! The plumber I use in NY is very nice but I would say " special " is an understatement. You could overlook his specialness if he was goodlooking. But no he's 0 for 2.
Jacqui said to me today, " hey look at it this way, it's like giving to the needy."

Oh Lee, everyone has had those days. ( in high school, only kidding.) I give Lee a hard time but he is doing a great job in austin even kevin Bailey called me up today and complimented Lee's work. And let me tell you Kevin doesn't compliment anyone. Kevin asked me to tell him today that he is the greatest person in bar operations. Sorry Kevin, I love you but I still think I'm better. Your great but not greatest.
Let's get back to the drinking issue. Not many people can hang shot for shot with Marshall. Marshall should be the spokesperson for Jack Daniels. Poor little Lee in a world of lemon drops and cosmos. Hey maybe in his drunken stupor he had the real Coyote Ugly experience and woke up with someone really god awful. Although I would rather chew my arm off then end up with a guy whom is throwing up all night. It can go either way, I figure. I guess I'll have to ask him.

How freaking embarrassing, Lee in Austin was drunk and throwing up all over the place. Part of my management team's job is to go out in Austin and meet people. When you work for my company part of the requirements is that you can drink and socialize with people. From what Kevin Bailey and Marshall said " a little girl could drink more than Lee. Well Lee" we've got to toughen you up little girl!:

Did you know that I read my horoscope everyday? I don't know what I am waiting to see? Today my horoscope said that I have to listen to my spiritual side. What the hell does that mean? I have gotten my tarrot cards read 3 times and they always say the same thing " you are a person whom takes control of your business and is very wise about your financial future." Never about love or romance! I love Love!! Noone's more romantic than me!! I'm just misunderstood.
So in the business world, I have many people whom are infringing on my trademark. Three stories to tell today. The first is about an infringer whom we went after a few years ago. He was publicizing all over his particular area that he was opening a Coyote etc. I had my lawyers go after him until he stopped using my name. Well as part of the settlement he was supposed to pay my legal costs ( which are astronomical). We get a call from his lawyer a few months later saying that this man died in a car crash and we would have to sue his 6 year old daughter if we wanted to see the money. Suing someone that's 6 is just bad karma so I opted to walk away. Now the second story is so unbelievable, I'm sorry but I just don't buy it. We had these infringers that actually came to me and said they were going to infringe by just changing the letters in the word Coyote. Yeah, they were really stupid, the law doesn't allow that and I went after them. This particular case went to trial. I had people testify on my behalf and we won. Or to be more accurate, they got crushed. Well the legal fees were close to $50,000 and we have been waiting for reimbursement. My lawyer gets a letter the other day and it is so unbeliveable we just started laughing. Supposedly this man cut his arm working on the bar. Well the part of the story that is rediculous is that he claims because of this cut, he contracted a flesh eating virus and half his arm was eaten up. So of course he has no money to pay me either. Maybe I'll start using that one for my creditors. " Well american express, I'm sorry but I have been stricken with a flesh eating virus and am unable to write the check to pay you." My lawyer said he had never gotten a letter like that and was going to frame it for his office. Again, unfucking believable! Now the third story is going on right now. We had a couple of guys who wanted to license from us. For a number of reasons it didn't work out and we parted company. Well they are now opening a bar and are using all of my stuff. They have a website with pictures of my girls, they are using the same artwork that I use for the girl searches, and they are promting themselves as us. Well, I will not stop until I crush them. Just stupid. With these guys it is personal. No flesh eating virus is going to stop me from going after them. " Stay healthy guys, you're going to pay!"

So I had a few cocktails at the anniversary party. A bunch of old bartenders were there, that's always fun. Maria, Kim and the other NY girls were great. " You girls make me so proud!" Last year I swallowed glass from a drink in my own bar. I had to go to the emergency room. That sucked. I remember everyone saying " at least it happened to you and not a customer." Yeah, I was thinking just that when I was spitting up blood for 2 days.
So New Yorkers listen up!! I am boycotting a restaurant on the upper east side called Mettereaneo. Last night Jacqui, myself and another friend went there. We had ordered food and 3 bottles of wine. Well the waiter comes over and says we have to settle up so they can use that table for someone else. Now I have been in this business a long time, you don't kick out people who are spending money and are potential repeat customers. We were pissed. All I can say is "Fuck you people. " Don't think I didn't notice the roaches in the bathroom.
On a good note I received many compliments on my lashes on Wednesday night!!

Could today get any more stressful? The last month, before any bar opens, is stressful. Austin is just like every other city in America. " Don't worry we'll get to your liquor license, right after we get to the 8 licences ahead of you." I would laugh about it but Kevin B is so stressed out it's rubbing off on me. " Calm down Kevin your going to give me a fucking heart attack!" And then if I could tell you the shit Jacqui and I are dealing with, my fucking lord. Plus I am definitely getting a brain tumor from my cell phone.
You know what knocked me right back to reality? I came home. I was still on the phone dealing with some bullshit when my son hands me the " Queezy Bake Oven " and says "now mommy." Very therapeutic baking worms and bugs and eating them. I would recommend that to everyone, mom or not! Well I'm going to cuddle with my son and tomorrow we'll be in NY. Fun, Fun, Fun!!

What a fucking stressful week. Just when I think it's over something else comes up.
A standard statement to all bartenders and service industry people across the world "Taking tips and putting them in your back pocket when your supposed to be pooling tips, is stealing!" How fucking low stealing from your own bar partners! That disgusts me.
( Not New Orleans bar , so stop the god damn rumors before they start.) I could go on for hours and bitch.
But I will NOT! The light at the end of a very dark tunnel this week is my eyelashes are getting longer. The Double Lash is working. So what my world is closing in around me. I can make new friends and have a new world with my luschious lashes. Thanks Popsicle.

The New York anniversary party invitations. This is today's subject.
So I have this great idea of getting a picture of a really hot girl laying on tiles of a bathroom. The idea of the invite would be that one side of the card is a picture of this hot girl. The other side is the hot girl but she is laying on the bathroom floor because she drank too much at the anniversary party. I thought this would be very funny. Well the thought was good.
The web designer could not find any pictures that I liked so I asked him to go down to the NY bar and have the day girl ( Kristi) pose for it.
Well I forgot to call and warn her ahead of time and her first words to Kevin F. once she heard what I wanted her to do were " Is Lil making me do this because I'm new? " Pretty funny. " No Kristi, unfortunately for you it was because you filled in for Romina that day." Well the invitation is not what I expected. She looks more like a corpse than a girl throwing up in a toilet, like I originally intended.
Kim and Jacqui do not worry about handing them out, just create a guest list. And Kristi sorry, but I think it could be a cool picture for your scrap book.

I did at least 4 audio posts and non of them worked!! How fucking annoying. No doubt they will all post later, if they do sorry 3 of them are exactly the same.
So this regular from Atlanta comes in last night and all he can say is that I'm a lot nicer than he thought I would be. What am I a fucking monster? People have this perception that I am so mean. I'm not mean , I am driven. There is a big difference. I received a package last night. A regular from New Orleans bought me the Double Lash that I have been asking for. Thank You Popsicle. In 30 days , I'm going to be a completely different woman. Is it me or is the room spinning? I need to go back to bed.