Tuesday, December 30, 2003

For those of you who feel sorry for Lee, let me show you one of his e-mails to me yesterday.

"Lil, take a mydol and calm DOWN!!!! jesus christ! Lee "
Don't worry about Lee, he gets his digs in. Actually what's really funny is that he also sent me an e-mail saying that he didn't want to speak to me for a few days. We had a pretty big blow up yesterday. I started thinking today how much easier his life would be if he didn't have to speak with me anymore. He would probably sleep better, go out more. Maybe even have time to take a class or do something fun. Well I can't let that happen so I figure I will call him twice as much today just to remind him that I am one of his best friends and he can't get rid of me that easily. New Day Lee!
Now I want to talk about the only person who did not piss me off yesterday!! Jeff Wiseman my lawyer. I know everyone hates lawyers but I love Jeff. What other lawyer do you know that arranges all our meetings so we still have time to go out for a great dinner, a night of drinking, and then of course hit the strip clubs. Thanks Jeff, your the best!!

Monday, December 29, 2003

I just received an e-mail from my web designer telling me that I can post my Lil Spill's in audio. This sounds too good to be true!! There are so many people whom get mad at me because of these Lil Spill's. Can you imagine hearing my voice say " fuck off, I do what I want!!" My first audio Lil Spill should definitely be on New Years Eve after a few drinks. I feel sorry for the New Orleans staff! This is when it's too bad for you that I moved from N.Y. to New Orleans. Oh Laura, I would learn how to do Last resort properly! Can you imagine what I might say in the Lil Spill if you don't! And new girl, Andrea ( I think ) You will be able to log onto my Lil Spill and hear me say " Put that fucking cigarette down!" What would be really great is to have a night, where the girls are awesome and be able to say " who's better than my New Orleans girls!! " Stranger things have happened.
Today is like Christmas all over again!!

So I get a letter from my High School asking for a donation. They list the ways you can contribute. A. Cash/check ( that's easy ) B. Bequest ( Yeah right , I'll give Jackson's inheritance to my High School ) C. Stock Transfer ( again not happening) D. Gifts -in- kind ( I think it's a kind way of saying donations in a physical form IE old computers etc ) E.Corporate Matching Gifts ( maybe when my company is as big as IBM ) The kicker is that they put a label on your contribution. So if I give $50 I would be called a "Contributor" but if I give $5,000 I would be part of what they call "The 1897 Association". In the Alumni paper they will actually put your name and your donation title next to it. So if you give $50 everyone thinks your cheap but if you give $5000 everyone thinks your a rich snob. That $50 from someone who doesn't have much is just as important as the $5000 from someone whom has a lot.
To my high school's credit I received a very good education. ( you really can't tell from these Lil Spill's considering my foul fucking mouth and my absolutely horrible grammer ) But the really weird part of my high school is that it is very similar to a cult. I would say a fair amount of my classmates have been hypnotised into working at the high school after college. The Ursuline nuns have created a world very much like the moonies. And these women make it their life's work to fund raise for the school.
The more I think about it , the more I am really, really impressed! I need to hire these nuns. I'm always looking for more money.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to The Ursuline School of New Rochelle N.Y. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That's for damn sure! ( I'm going straight to hell)

Friday, December 26, 2003

The beauty about the day after christmas is the sales. Oh I fought tooth and nail at saks for the last Gucci wallet! You can't stop me. See, I do most of my Christmas shopping the day after. There are people you know you aren't going to see until after the holidays, so I say get it on sale instead of paying full price. " Take note people for next year"
OK Christmas Eve I was at the bar and one of the regulars asked why a certain regular was kicked out of the bar ( 86ed as us veterans call it.) He subtly implied that it could be a personality issue with one of the managers. Let me tell you how a good manager looks at a customer, like a big fat open wallet. They are trained not to put their personal opinions above the well being of the bar. This particular guy was asked to take a 2 week break from the bar after an incident he caused. (Think of it as a temperary suspension.) Well he was so upset over this action that he ended up starting more trouble and was then given a permenant boot from the bar. If a customer does not show respect toward the bartenders or any employee, there is a price to pay. Usually it is a simple verbal reprimand but other times it's a big " Take your fat ass and get out of my bar."
But of course, It's nothing personal!

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Please Santa! I want Double Lash ( eyelash grower) and world peace. How cool would it be if Santa looked like The Rock or Heath Ledger. I would be waiting by that Chimney in nothing but a g-string , some stilettos, and a smile. " Why Santa I know what I want for Christmas! You must be so hot in that outfit, why don't we take it off."
What a fantasy, this dream man breaks into your house just to service you and leave you presents. Excellent!!
Happy Holidays everyone!

Monday, December 22, 2003

I know it's Christmas, but does that mean that everyone stops working? I get a call from Sara ( from Tampa bar ) and she is completely understaffed for New Years Eve. The best fucking night of the year and noone wants to work! Am I crazy or do most bartenders beg to work that night? At 21 years old, it is so much more appealing to hold your boyfriend's head over the toilet because he drank too much, then go to work and make $500.
And then the other excuse; "my family always spends New Years eve together." Oh how domestic, making cookies and drinking a sip of champagne with mom and dad. You don't need that extra money, when you have so much family love. Oh I have a great idea! Let's close all the bars and give everyone the night off.
What is this world coming to?
This Lil Spill is dedicated to hard working people whom care about making money and contributing to the economic prosperity of this great country and of course Coyote Ugly Saloon.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

OK guys listen up! Taking Stacker is not attractive. I have 2 guys who work for me who take this fucking diet AID. Last night I go into the bar and one of the barbacks, Justin, is just chatting up a storm. I say to him " what the fuck are you on?" his reply " well Lil I only took a few Stackers before work". Justin was a tad portly when he started at the bar. Now he has lost over 30 pounds. Through his nonstop talking he also told him he is depressed that he isn't getting any. " Justin, looking like you just did an eightball of coke. Doesn't really impress the ladies. ( not the good ones anyway.) "
Another one of my guys, whom takes Stacker, starts twitching after he takes these pills. " Looking like your about to have an epileptic seizure , is also unattractive."
Now this is a very hard concept to grasp. EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE, DUMB ASSES!

Saturday, December 20, 2003

My manager Aaron told me the greatest story the other day. KP one of my New Orleans girls played a little joke on one of the regulars, Jack. Just to describe KP ( important to the story ) she is a beautiful black girl. Jack is a very southern white man. On a night that KP was working Jack was sitting on his stool. Yes he sits in the same stool everytime he comes in. In fact his name and an arrow are on the wall pointing to his stool. While Jack was making a trip to the bathroom, KP took his cellphone and made a very unusual call. She called his mother. Now what she said is the funny part! His mother answers the phone and KP proceeds to tell his mother how excited she is to meet her. Kp then tells the mother that she is ecstatic that Jack has finally asked her to marry him. Then of course th kicker, " and I am so glad that you don't care that I am black."
At this point , I am laughing so hard. I didn't know KP had that in her! The beauty of this story though is the reaction of Jack's mother. She was livid at Jack for not telling her he was getting engaged. But she could care less that it was to a black girl! I love that.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Maria, Maria, Maria ( from NY ) You are very popular on the site this week. I've told everyone that you were the first Coyote of the month ever , so sorry but I think it's too soon to give that honor to you again.
Now let's talk about your Thursday nights, Maria! They leave a lot to be desired.
People!! If Maria is so popular why are none of you visiting her on thursdays? This is her schedule: She works Thursday night, Friday night, and Sunday night.
Why should you go see her? Because in my mind, and I am the expert, she could be one of the BEST Coyotes ever. EVER. It's an honor and a privelege for her to serve and entertain you. Maria who is better than you? Now let's promote Thursdays!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Angela from Tampa, Listen up! Bartending is supposed to be a means to do other things in life. Sara told me yesterday that you gave your notice. She said that you felt it was becoming too much for you and you did not know what direction your life was going to take. Being a Coyote is hard work. It's harder than a normal bartending job, believe me I know. But it can also be a lot of fun, great money, and it can give you a little bit of celebrity. Whether you decide to go back to med school or make a living basket weaving, there is no reason why you shouldn't just work 1 night a week. For god's sake you were going to be the Coyote of the month next month! Bartending is a way to pay your bills and give you your days free to pursue other things. In the immortal words of Jerry Maguire "HELP ME HELP YOU!"

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

My bouncer in New Orleans, John , gave myself and all the girls sportknives for Christmas. Maxam Lockback Knife W/ clip. The big fear I have is that the girls are going to start doing that stupid knife trick between there fingers. I can only imagine the trouble these girls can get into with a freaking knife in their pocketbook. Can you even carry a knife? Is this illegal to have in your pocket? Is this a knife that I will use to protect myself? Or will I use it to whittle something cool? Or am I going to fucking kill myself just trying to get it to close? Thank you John very much but I can't lie I feel a great deal of stress about this goddamn knife.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

A friend sent me this a while back. This is hysterical. It's from x-rated Buffy Fan fiction. It's written from the perspective of the hot-but-evil Slayer, Faith:

...It's about three AM, and I know that the streets
downtown will just be starting up with Vampire
activity. Tonight is a good night. Nobody in here
wants any trouble, they just want good whisky and to
see some hot girls dancing on the bar...Man, even Lil
got up there tonight. And that is pretty fucking
unusual from what I can gather. I don't know why
though, after all she is the original coyote and one
mean dancer. Seeing her up there, her and Cammy
putting the moves on each other had more than me just
drooling. I was tempted to get out the water jet
myself to cool the two of them off. She's still up
there when Rachel suddenly looks at her watch and says
'fuck' before giving the bell on the back bar a good
tug and calling time. I put the last of the money in
the register and see that we can barely fit another
dollar in. I reach up and put my hands on Lil's waist.
She puts her hands on my shoulders and I take her
weight as she jumps off the bar. I use my strength to
make sure that her descent is slow, her body pushed up
against mine as she slides along it to the floor. When
her feet are on solid ground, she still doesn't let go
of my shoulders but licks her lips absentmindedly. I
wonder if rule number three is not fucking the boss,
but I don't think so. Not if I know Lil...

"She thinks I'm pretty hot. I wonder what happens next?"

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Fun in the New Orleans bar this weekend. We had a ton of New Yorkers down for the Saints- Giants game. OK there were two guys at the bar buying me drinks and other customers drinks etc. Nice guys, also New Yorkers ( my people). Well after the fourth round that they bought I ask Tara to buy them a drink. I signal her to make another round and she does. Well she asks one of the guys for money, I lean over and say to her "I have this round." With a straight fucking face , she says to one of these guys, "NO." At this point I'm waiting to see his reaction. As a true Coyote customer, he forks over the money. Well just when you think it's over she takes it one step further. She fucking slaps one of the guys right in the face and says, "where's my drink?" I'm pretty much hysterical laughing right now but I'm also thinking you better pull this off Tara or I'll be really pissed. For god's sake these poor guys had free brunch passes to House of Blues . They actually, after this, told me that it was a credit to me that they would rather pay for drinks and get beat up, then get free drinks somewhere else. Unfucking believable.
Now I wouldn't recommend this approach for a novice Coyote. But I always tell the girls that they have to learn to read people. Well Tara read these guys right. . Good for you Tara, my little girl is growing up! ( Man would I have been pissed if her little stunt backfired!)

Saturday, December 13, 2003

My god I've been traveling too much! I can't believe I'm going to admit this. But I actually am thinking of ordering a few things from the airline shopping magazine, Skymall. I am fucking pathetic! There is this one product that has been tantilizing me for months now. It's called Double-lash. "This revolutionary product made from natural proteins promotes healthier, stronger lashes with just three weeks of bedtime applications!" WOW.
It's Christmas time. Normal people want clothes, a car, a watch, beautiful earrings. No I want DOUBLE-LASH. There is nothing wrong with my eyelashes. But can you imagine after 3 weeks of applications, I could have the nicest eyelashes ever. I would be unstoppable then!
Is this an early sign of mental illness?

Friday, December 12, 2003

I made it! Oh dry your eyes everyone. I'm safe , the plane didn't crash.
Angela in Tampa , superstar! How old do I have to be before I fucking learn not to mix wine and liquor? I know the old addage ( can't remember it now). I went with Joanna and Tampa gang to Byrnes Steak House. I love that place. Of course we had a bottle of wine there and then went back to Coyote. Larry, the new assistant manager , has some pictures of me doing my traditional toe shot. I let Scooter off easy, he only had to pay $125 for a body shot off of me. Considering the hang over I'm in pretty good spirits. I've officially hit celebrity status. The people at the airport parking garage asked me which bar was I coming from? Nah, I think the big Coyote Ugly sign in my car gave it away.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to both Lee and Kevin. Seperately, I was told by both of them that they were feeling a lot of pressure right now with the Austin Opening coming up. " It's the hard that makes it great" Love you guys! Also Jacqui, who's a better choreographer than you? Nobody!

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So last night I had a dream I was in a plane crash. Of course, I'm flying to Tampa today. The funny part of my dream was, no disrespect to heavy people, but there was a heavy set man sitting in the middle seat. While we were going down he pulled me and the man next to him on the ground. All I could think of was : don't heavy people have to buy 2 seats? That's the dream. I hope I don't crash today.
On another note , when I go to NY and New Orleans all the staff is happy to see me. But when I go to other cities, usually management looks at me like I'm the grim reaper. Get ready Sara the Grim Reaper is coming!

I just got an e-mail from the AM of the Tampa bar. Here's an exerpt from his letter.
  "Well, let me start off by saying that Sara (in all her gracefulness) was hit on top of her head by a falling stapler.  The stapler was on top of our 10ft ladder, when she tried to move it, and was greeted by the plummeting stapler.  Sara was in the middle of putting up X-mass decorations when this happened. "
That fucking hurts. Sara had to get 4 stitches. Not your week Sara, first you get hit on the head and have to get stitches and now I'm coming! They say things happen in threes. Tune in next week to hear " What happened to Sara? "

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Everyday I get business offers. Everyone thinks it's so easy to run one of these bars. Put 30 high energy, big ego girls together and then through in alchohol. Easy my ass! Between the managers , the girls, and the bouncers it can be mayheim if you don't handle it properly. I don't give a shit what anyone says. This is hard work.
Now let's talk about the funny things I have heard from some of my employees.
" I can't work it's the 4 year anniversary of my breakup with my fiance. " .
"My boyfriend doesn't like me working here."
Oh the best excuse came from a porter in NY. " Lil, I can't come to work. My mother woke me up to quick' I gave him off the day for originality.
One of my bartenders from New Orleans claims she gives the best blow jobs in Jefferson Parish ( suberb of New Orleans) She claims it is common knowledge. "Everyone knows I give the best blowjobs." she points her finger toward a man " just ask him" Well all I can say to that is Congratulations!

Monday, December 08, 2003

This is final! The NY 11 year anniversary party will be held Wed. January 7th 2004! Why is it so early this year? Because I am so fucking busy. Austin will have it's grand opening on January 28th ( hopefully) and New orleans 2 year anniversary is officially January 25th ( Don't know when the actual party will be). January, the worst fucking month of the year for bars. But for some strange reason it just always seems to happen that I open in January. C'est la vie.
What the fuck am I going to wear to all these things? New Orleans has the worst shopping! Damn it! Big thanks to Angel from New orleans. Thank you for the shirt. I LOVE IT!

Sunday, December 07, 2003

So Thursady night I'm in the New York bar and a friend of mine, Eileen comes to visit. I complement her on her new hairdo and you know what she says. " Lil, let's face it. I have great hair. I've never had a bad hair day in my life:" Well that is a bold fucking statement! Good for you Eileen!
So did I mention I was in New York during a blizzard? Thursday night Maria and Krysti worked. Maria always a superstar. Krysti is great at selling. She is filling Chars' shoes well. A great salesperson but can't dance a lick. I did one of the dance routines with Maria. Do you know how that feels? Well it sucks, unless you are a broadway calibre performer. And I am not broadway stock. For everyone who was there, laugh it up. See what a few drinks can make you do?

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Oh this is priceless. Someone responded to my request for a hotel room in New York. The hotel they suggested is pretty expensive . To pay for this they suggested I auction off my New Orleans ( soon to be Austin ) manager, Marshall. He would love that!
Ladies, rumor has it that he has very big feet. ( If you know what I mean!!) An ex girlfriend of his told me that.
OK let's start the bidding at $100.

Oh this is priceless. Someone responded to my request for a hotel room in New York. The hotel they suggested is pretty expensive . To pay for this they suggested I auction off my New Orleans ( soon to be Austin ) manager, Marshall. He would love that!
Ladies, rumor has it that he has very big feet. ( If you know what I mean!!) An ex girlfriend of his told me that.
OK let's start the bidding at $100.

Monday, December 01, 2003

My first wish for Christmas is a 6 ft. blond man with a six pack who is mute. Now my second wish is to not feel so much stress. There is not enough yoga classes to de-stress me. Well if I get my first wish, he better give a really good back massage after we go a few rounds. Oh, I'm laughing out loud now. Most men give you a back massage with one hand because the other hand is on the remote. Someone told me recently that her boyfriend says he has arthritis in his hands. Of course he is able to write , use the computer, and anything else that he likes. Just thinking about this is pissing me off. Sex, a back massage ( I'll sub in a foot massage), and some cuddling. That's all I want. I don't think that's asking too much!
Can't wait to go to NY.. I miss NY!

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