Friday, November 28, 2003

The Cat in the Hat sucked! Mike Myers did his Coffee Talk ( SNL ) character for the whole movie. Well I can't say the whole movie since I walked out after 50 minutes. Dr. Seuss is rolling in his grave.
OK I'm going to New York next weekend and every Hotel is booked. I have been on Hotels.com, Yahoo, and Travelocity. What the fuck? If anybody who reads this editorial piece ( that sounds good. Makes me feel like a real journalist) works at a hotel and can get me a room please e-mail Lil@coyoteuglysaloon.com . The Village or near Bloomingdales are my preferred locations. I'm going down to the New Orleans bar today. I think I will have a few cocktails. Why? Just because.
PS Travis ( bouncer) stopp eating all that crap. I'm watching YOU!

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm feeling a little weepy today. In a good way. I woke up and played with my son and started to think about the the good things I have in my life. My son is obviously number one.
I'm thankful for my son having the best father. Tony does all the things a dad should do with a son that I am too girlie to do.
I'm thankful for my sister, her family , and my parents.
I have a few dear friends whom I love very much.
And I not only love my business but I enjoy working every day.
Enough sappy stuff ( PMS).
It is ridiculous how long it takes to cook a turkey. Hours and hours of basting. Then all the other stuff you have to make. I love cooking but I am scared of the endless cleaning you have to do afterwards . I can't wait until Jackson is old enough where it is his responsibility to wash the dishes. A parents dream; Your kids become old enough to do all your chores around the house.
Quote of the week from Jacqui " Lil , I'm pulling the schedule out of my ass! " I'll be in New York next week. I can't wait.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Big win last night. Tara won the Budweiser Bartender of New Orleans competition. 2 years in a row we have won. Congrats Tara!
New Orleans Laura! What the fuck are you doing during the choreographed routine Last Resort? One of the moves that is taught by Jacqui is punching ( in air boxing) . The dance calls for a few punches and then you improv taking a hit. Well if you watch Laura you would never know that. I don't care how girlie you are, learn to throw a punch. Also taking a hit doesn't mean you look like you just watched a bad episode of Fame! Laura, I told Chantel that you need some more practise. As God as my witness , you will learn to throw a punch like Mohammud Ali!
On a good note. Laura you did a very good job getting the drinks out during the competition.
Someone asked if I'm going to write a Christmas wish list. #1 Blond 6ft man. Has a 6 pack, and is MUTE! When I think of a few others I'll write about them!

Monday, November 24, 2003

My Lil Spill about the New Orleans girls seem to stir things up. "YOU GIRLS HAVE TO BE THE BEST. I EXPECT EVERYONE TO GO INTO THE NEW YORK BAR AND THE NEW ORLEANS BAR AND THINK YOU GUYS ARE BETTER THAN ALL THE REST." Those are the bars I spend the most time in. New Orleans girls Saturday night did a great job. Love Nina the 6ft tall new girl. And Chantel " Who looks hotter than you doing the water dance?" Good job!
My meeting with the Australians went very well. They can really throw those drinks down! Brent Todd was with us. Supposedly he is the Joe Montana ( huge football star) of Australian Rugby. Had we been in Australia we would have to put him in the VIP section so all the little girls didn't bother him. Well we weren't in Australia so it really didn't matter. So Brent ( everyone calls him Toddy) bet me $100 that I couldn't get this particular female customer on the bar. Oh , I'll take that bet. It took me all of 15 seconds. Later on he told me that he had a new found respect for me because I pocketed that $100 without a slight hesitation. A bet is a bet. If I lost ( not likely) I would pay up. If you can't pay don't play. Pay up Sucka! I think I might have to go to Australia!

Saturday, November 22, 2003

I get some interesting letters from people viewing the web site. Well the one I just read is fucking hysterical. This woman, we'll call her Octopussy, wrote me a letter about maintaining ones pubic hair.
Octopussy wishes we lived in a world where you could go to your local barber and ask for a trim. " Hey Sal, just a little off the top." " Sal, I've got a hot date, take it all off." " Sal, I've got to cancel my appointment. Yeah it's that time."
Well Octopussy, maybe one day your dream will come true.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Job Available: New Orleans: Women wanted for bartending jobs Requirements NOT LAZY!!
Last night my managers threw an employee meeting. I wish I could have been there. A few of the girls have real promise. But there is not one girl that tries just a little extra. The harder the bartenders work means more money for them as well as me. Come on girls!!
Marshall, Aaron, and Chantel ( New Orleans managers) : Good luck . You have your work cut out for you.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Construction for the Austin Bar is really coming along. I'm really excited about it. Lee, Mr. Jack of all Trades, has been working on these cool faux stain glass pieces that we would put up behind the bar. They will depict cool images of Johnny Cash, Kid Rock, and a few other people. He sent me a picture yesterday of one of the windows and it looks awesome.
Of course, we know that artists are soo tempermental. Well he went to the Austin spot today. After seeing how far along the construction was and how nice the bar looked he decided that he doesn't want to put up these windows. I can't express how much I love these windows!! They are so cool looking. This Lil Spill is a plea to you Lee!! Please put up the windows!! People will come from miles around and say " Lee Killingsworth created that piece. I must have an original Lee (your the fucking man) Killingsworth." This is your chance to shine, Lee. Please put up the windows! Lil

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I'm in North Carolina, I'm under the weather, and I can't find my cell phone. It's 8:30 in the morning. Noone has called me! But yet the urge to make sure I don't have a message is excruciating. I lived most of my life without a cellphone. Why the hell am I so dependent on that little portable phone? I used to make fun of those people who couldn't walk down the street without having that phone tied to their ear. I always thought it was unattractive and weak. There is something to be said about walking somewhere and just having your own thoughts to keep you company.
I've become one those unattractive, weak people. Who the hell needs to keep in touch with me 24/7? Who the hell do I need to keep in touch with 24/7? Noone. Noone is that important. My son is too young to use the phone. I am not the actual GM for any of my bars. So the bars can call the GM's at 4am. And let's face facts, my friends can wait and call me at a reasonable hour. So with all this said, Why am I going insane without my cellphone?

Sunday, November 16, 2003

" Buy a piece of furniture and get a free bucket of chicken!" " Buy a truck and get your very own free 12 gauge shot gun" As the immortal song goes " If that ain't country you can kiss my ass!"
At the marketing meeting for the promotional car drive, who came up with that one. Guy # 1: " Hey , I've got an idea! Let's give out shotguns to everyone who buys a car. "
Guy # 2: " Why Billybob that is an excellent idea. You done did it."
Well I'm fixing to get right over there to Billybobs and buy myself a truck. Maybe I can use the shotgun for a driveby. Mix north and south!
I love New Orleans. I've lived here for 2 years now. But sometimes it definitely is a bit of culture shock. ( Tara won the first round of the best bartender competition in new Orleans. Chantel won last year. Next week is the finals. Stay tuned.)

Saturday, November 15, 2003

You've got to train the regulars. When I come in the door, there should be a shot of crown waiting for me. I am happy to say that there is a group of regulars at the New Orleans bar whom do not order a drink without offering one to me. Last night I was speaking to one of the managers and I saw this group have a group drink. " What the fuck am I dead? Where the hell is my drink?" They broke protocol and now must be punished. Brennan and Anthony quickly knew they were in trouble and gave the feeble excuse, " We thought you were leaving." Don't you worry people, they will never let that happen again!
Everyone who wants to go to the NY anniversary ( 11 years). Listen Up! I do not know the date of the party. The actually anniversary is on January 27th but I don't know if I can throw the party on that date. I'll keep everyone posted. This Lil Spill is dedicated to Starbucks. I have a feeling I will need a couple white Chocolate mochas before I go to work today! ( Lee the white thermal is a hit! Who is better than you? )

Friday, November 14, 2003

Rules to live by: Repeat business is what keeps the bar alive ( Except Vegas). One of the licensees wrote me to ask my advice about the girls being too abusive to the customers. OK GIRLS LISTEN UP! Nobody wants to come to a bar where they get bruised up by the bartender. Whipping people should be fun, not mean. When you go too far you lose a tip, a potential customer, and potential customers that the person could of sent in. Also you put the owners in a bad situation. Coyotes are supposed to be attractive, sexy, and tough. When you get too mean it becomes ugly, very unattractive. Tough is about attitude. It's not about being so crude that you alienate the person that you were goading and all the people around them. Coyote is about having fun. Being a Coyote means the men all want to be with you and the women all want to be you. Coyote Ugly is a business. Your jobs are to create more income for the bars, not lose it. If you truely listen to what I say the bars will do better and you will make more tips. ( Now when you are in the privacy of your own home, give that guy or girl a good whipping. Just say "Honey, Lil says I need to get out my aggressions on you. Come over here bad boy!." )

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Daisy in Boston. You have quite a few admirers. Milk them for every dime! Good work. Wendy, Tabitha, and Ginger, from New Orleans, you guys have the most fans that write into the site. ( Well I have the most fans, but that's kind of cheating) Unfortunately, Tabitha left for greener pastures. School, a real job. ( Fuck all you people who don't think bartending is a real job!) Jason, bouncer from Vegas, the girls really dig you. Get in line girls.
OK this is what is on my mind. What the fuck happened to me? I used to be able to go out all night, sleep for an hour, and get up and go to work. No Biggie! I went out all night, one night, in Vegas and I still feel like shit. My god how depressing. Kevin claims it's because I don't eat wheat. Let's analyze this. A. " eat wheat, be able to drink all night, and be as fat as a house." or B. " eat healthy and exercise, have a good body, but can't drink all night." Umm? I'll take B.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the people at each Coyote. Good Job

One of my employees says"only weakminded losers gamble". Well this loser is up $550 in blackjack. I call that WINNING! I love Vegas. But I'll tell you it's such a drag going with Kevin and Lee. " Let's go to this club" " Let's see this site" Fuck that shit. Put me on the casino floor, I'll be entertained for hours.
My attorney, Jeff, and myself went to a conference out here. We were the only people not wearing suits. Everyday is dress down day at Coyote. My god I had no idea there was so much money in Chicken wings. There was this company called Quaker Steak and Lube. What do you eat while your car gets an oil change? Well who the fuck knows. I definitely want to put up a booth for the next conference, I'll blow these people away.
Girls if you go to the Coyote in Vegas, Jason the bouncer is so cute and really big. Very SEXY! Kirsten the bartender was very sweet and the girls were great. Got to go catch my flight.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

I am laughing so hard right now. One of my girls Tara, has rules for dating. She calls them : Rules to eliminate dating a douche bag. She sent me a copy . I just have to post them they are too funny.

TARA'S QUESTIONS TO ASK TO AVOID DATING A DOUCHBAG
1. Do you still live with mother?
Having to wipe my ass everyday is a part of life. Having to wipe his ass too is only doubling your chances of getting your hands in SHITT!!
2. What kind of car do you drive?
He must drive a nicer car than yours or one equal to it. If not that just means his piece of crap car will always be broken down and guess who becomes the taxi
3. Do you have a checkbook and at least one credit card?
If he doesn't that just means he has no credit and eventually he will want you to cosign in order to replace his PIECE OF SHIT CAR!
4. Do you do drugs, or have the need for drugs?
Yes antidepressants fall under this category. Loser
5. What type of drunk are you?
A grown man taking a piss on the floor of the living room is not exactly material you want to bring home to mom and dad.
6. How long does it take you to get ready?
Taking longer than you to get ready means he is one of those pompous asses that will take the rear view mirror from you while you are putting on your makeup to check his hair
7. Have you ever been in jail and for every 10 people in your family is there more than one of them in jail?
If the answer is no, follow by asking if you were dating him and he went to jail would he call you to bail him out?
8. At what temperture do you wash your underwear? You might find this question odd, but if he can't answer it you'll find yourself enjoying doing his laundry as well as yours.
9. What do you do for a living?
Although the initial thought is materialistic, this question is actually showing you if you will be filling out resumes for a second job because you got stuck paying his bills too.
10. And last but not least the ever so important sex question.
How often do you NEED sex?
Don't get me wrong sex is great..to want it everyday is onething.. to NEED it is a flashing red sign that says CHEATER!

This list should be posted everywhere, so women of the world can escape dationg losers. Love you Tara. Good luck


Saturday, November 08, 2003

In January, the NY bar will be opened for 11 years. In 11 years, only two girls that worked for me had kids, and thousands of girls have worked for me. Going across the country I hire these girls and so many of them have kids. It breaks my heart. I hired a girl in Chicago that was 21 with 3 kids. Children are wonderful, but such a big responsibility. I see some of these girls still partying and expecting their parents to take care of their kids. I hear a lot of sad stories. I don't know how this makes me feel.
I'm mad because these girls aren't stupid yet they act with so little thought. A condom or the pill could of solved their problems. Is it the old proverb " the sins of the father." ( mother) If your mom had you at 16, you are predestined to have your own child at 16.
Or maybe this makes me feel so sad. Kids raising kids. In New Orleans, I had a girl work for me. Her daughter's school would call saying that this particular employee forgot to pick up her daugter from school. I felt so bad for her daughter. I would think of her waiting by herself, only 6 years old, and her mom not showing up to get her. It makes me want to cry.
I think people no matter what age have the capacity to love. I have a girl working for me now that brings her infant child to dance rehearsals. You can see how much she loves her child and will make sacrifices to do what's right. And that really is the most important part of being a parent.
Who the hell am I to judge anyone? I'm not judging. Just telling you guys about something I think about while getting to know all these girls.
Happy Note. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. I LOVE VEGAS. HIT ME!

Friday, November 07, 2003

I just got an e-mail from the web designer, Kevin F. He just got married and spoke about how much his new wife is enjoying the presents ( specifically pot and pans) that they received as gifts. KEVIN, let me tell you something, marriage is all about upgrade. " Honey, now that we are married we need a new apartment." " Honey, I'm tired of our furniture, let's get something new." " Let's move out of Manhattan, and get a house in the suburbs." Oh Kevin , kevin, Kevin! Suck it up sport and save your money. She's already getting bored with the new pots and pans. This says one thing to me ... BABY .
First you'll buy her new pots and pans, then it will be a new sofa. Oh the buying won't end until that little bambino comes into this world. Good Luck my friend, Good Luck!

Thursday, November 06, 2003

One of my employees asked me to bring in pictures of myself giving bootshots. A bootshot is when you pour liquor into your own boot and make someone drink out of it. I am proud to say that I am the inventer of the bootshot. I'm sooo smart! I have had people drink out of my boots, out of my socks, off my toes, and off my stomach. ( In fact 2 weeks ago someone requested a body shot off of my stomach. " I'm in retirement , You want one off of me it will have to be for $650. " I can't believe he actually did it. ) " GIRLS DON'T START JACKING UP THE PRICES,THEN NOONE WILL BUY THEM . YOU ARE EMPLOYEES AND THERE IS A SET PRICE FOR BODYSHOTS ETC. I CAN DO IT BECAUSE I AM

Monday, November 03, 2003

I'm going to Austin tomorrow. I have a bar going up on 6th street and I need to start picking out swag (decor ) for the bar. Also I have to do a whole lot of sucking up because of my Lil Spill about Lee. As he keeps reminding me I went from being one of his best friends to being #14 after writing that. I assume I'm still in the top 20 because we work together. I'm not very good at sucking up. I figure if I just keep saying "Lee your the greatest " Lee, that rendition you did of ... is awesome, you really should show your work to a gallery." If I can stay with those two themes maybe I will be forgiven. Unfortunately my mouth sometimes has a mind of it's own. And we all know that there will be plenty of Lil Spill's which he will be mad at. He just gives me so much material. I can't help myself. I guess this will be practice for every Lil Spill that he gets upset over. At some point , just like pavlov's dogs, he's going to have to accept me for whom I am. ( pain in the ass whom speaks her mind ) This Lil Spill is dedicated to Lee, is going to be a long ride!

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Why are girls the worst drunks? 99% of the time when guys get a little too rowdy or act inappropriately, one of the girls or the bouncer simply asks them to calm down or please leave, and they leave! Unfortunately women are never that easy. If a woman gets too rowdy or too risque on the bar, you better hope she has cool friends. If she has cool friends then they usually can calm her down or escort her out. If she doesn't have cool friends, forget it , fight extraodinaire. I have a great bouncer in New Orleans . I'll never forget him walking into the bar at noon one sunday. His face was covered with scratch marks.
He told his story with such venom, you had to feel for the guy. Basically a woman was asked to get down from the bar and she would not. Travis went over there and she proceeded to try and kick him in the face . He quickly was able to coax her down but she scratched him mercilessly. Our policy is a no violence policy with the bouncers. Talking is the best way to sooth an irate customer. Well he calmed her down and was able to convince her to leave but she got in a few nice marks on his face. His anger was two fold. He's not allowed to throw a punch at a customer unless it is an extreme safety issue . And, he is a well manored man who knows he can never throw a punch at a girl, we would never allow it and his morals wouldn't either.
You can take the girl out of the trash but you can't take the trash out of the girl. In the words of a true southerner, " It's a motherfucking travesty."

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