Friday, October 31, 2003

Bud Girl with the pig tails, if you even come near the New Orleans bar, I will turn the other cheek while my girl Chantel kicks your ass.
Tonight we had the bud girls vs. coyote girls volleyball match. We knew when they walked in that they had brought ringers. We found out from the refs that 3 of their 6 girls play in a division volleyball league. We came with 2 strong girls (Leah and Catherine), 1 girl who played in high school ( Chantel), and 3 of us straglers(Angel, Jennifer, and me). Leah and Catherine were awesome and we won the first match. ( Best 2 out of 3). The second match we lost. I can't lie , I really suck, but my fan club cheered me on. Well the third match we were killing them. Leah got up to serve and she wailed on them. The score was (I think) 11-8 our favor . The refs (whom Leah also works for) told Leah to miss. The condition was that the bud girls would in turn miss their shot. This was to make it interesting for the crowd. Well Leah missed and the bud girls decided not to miss their shot. Well to make a long story short, they won. We were pissed. Chantel ,who knew the refs, threw a fit. They claimed it wasn't fair because we had 1 ringer. Well our response was that they had 3. Needless to say, one of the bud girls got in Chantel's face and it is now war. Bud Girls, " Bring It" You have to win by cheating. Well we will take you on again. Name the time and the place and we will be there!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

So I am definitely pms and I was up all night very depressed. So this morning, I told myself to list all my positive assets. My #1 positive asset is my son. I love him more than anything in the world. Now get ready for #2. OK, my #2 asset is my breasts. I went over this in my head many times and the happiness that my new breasts give me is unbelievable. When I am in my house walking around naked and I see my reflection in the mirror, I say " wow those are awesome!"
Now the question that has plagued people for miles around. Real or fake? I have seen real breasts that are phenomenal, breathtaking. And I have seen real breasts that , as the addage goes " put some bandaids on those mosquito bites.". That says it all.
I have seen fake breasts that are phenomenal, a real piece of art. And I have seen fake breasts that look like someone put a waffle cone under your skin.
Fake or real? There is no answer.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to Dr. Metzner in New Orleans.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

So many bills so little time. Nobody just writes you a letter anymore. When I was a bartender I used to save every penny I made. I would eat english muffins and mac and cheese. I barely ever went shopping. Obviously I was a good saver since I was able to open the NY bar.
Who invented the credit card? These little cards are going to be the death of me. I always tell the girls to save. Noone listens. Right now I am balancing my check book and doing the NY bars bills. This is depressing. Did I need that new bag? NO! Did the NY bar need the new merchendise? Yes but it still pisses me off.
Then just for extra fun, the NY landlord is squeezing me for every last dime he can get. I'm not a very religious person but if there is a fiery hell, he'll be there. I am sick thinking about him. Live it up Mr. Landlord, LIVE IT UP! Enough. I'm going to do yoga now!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

My one brain cell was definitely not functioning properly last night. Helmut or helmet? Perhaps in german, Helmut means cool ass mother fucking head gear. Or perhaps it means stupid jerk. A College education and I still can't spell.
Today let's talk about Lee. His corporate title is Director of future business development. He really is a jack of all trades. Except construction. He wouldn't know a hammer from a screw driver. Well he has been designing most of the new merchandise. We have had the most blood curdling screaming matches over the most minute little things. I really love a lot of his new designs, but there is one particular item that I am not happy with. I'm sorry but the spades thing is getting so old. What a character he is. I love him dearly, he is such a good friend. He claims he knows more about fashion then I do. I call him Mr. Over the Top. I have this awesome picture of him wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. ( I wish I could figure out how to put it up.) Picture a guy with black (sometimes), spiky hair. Always a pair of sunglasses on. He is good looking. But I'm sure he knows that since he spends a lot of his day checking in the mirror.. If being fashionable means wearing a truckers hat sideways ,then he is right. He is more fashionable than me. I am laughing so hard while I am writing this. We fight like brother and sister. This Lil Spill will definitely be a huge fight. Nothing but love for you Lee. This Lil Spill is dedicated to everyone who buys the new black thermal. Hold on to them because it is definitely a limited edition.

Big birthday today. My son turned 4. He had the time of his life. I love watching him have so much fun. And I can't help it but I have to say, he is a good looking kid. My genes of course!
This weekend was unbelievably busy. Some nice bikes parked outside the bar! I really want to get a Harley sportster. I saw a few cool custom bikes by big dog , gasoline Alley, and West coast Choppers. But as I said to Jacqui , I simply don't deserve those quite yet. One issue that concerns me when riding a bike is : My hair. I fight having a bad hair day, everyday. How the hell am I going to pull off wearing a helmut and not have a fucked up hairdo. And if I don't wear a helmut my hair is going to be like a rat's nest. Not wearing a helmut is not an option. I don't want to die and have the worst hair day of my life and death. Right now, Lee is probably designing a Coyote Ugly bandanna just for me. " Don't put too much time into it Lee, I hate the way bandannas look on me." Well that's all I have to say about that. My girls did great this weekend. My compliments. This Lil Spill is dedicated to my son. I love you!

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Who loves Steel Ponies more than me? The answer is Jacqui ( GM NY, choreograoher ). We are having a blast. Hot bikes, hot guys, hot girls, and a lot of booze makes for an awesome time. My girls look great, they are selling the new merch in the classic Coyote style. A woman buys a shirt then is forced to get on the bar ( that Kevin built ) and her shirt is cut into a tiny halter ( only leaving the words Coyote Ugly ). We made a lot of men and women very happy yesterday.
A couple of the girls danced on stage with the group Diamond Back. They were doing a cover of an old Guns and Roses song and Jacqui kept screaming " do the Axel" ( Axel Rose lead singer Guns and Roses ). Later we found out that the girls thought Jacqui was saying " do the asshole" I can only imagine what the girls thought that meant. As we were recounting the story I realized , " my god these fucking girls don't even know who Axel Rose is! ) Now that is a fucking reality check. Indian Larry and Billy Lane were in the bar. Really Nice guys, awesome Bikes. This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Hot Bikers with hot bikes!

Friday, October 24, 2003

New Orleans girls listen up! Char, my NY girl, came to New orleans yesterday. I asked her to come down and help during Steel Ponies and Halloween Bike Fest. She gave out cards and flyers on the plane. She handed out flyers at the airport. I gave her her work schedule, which is, Friday (Steel Ponies ), Saturday (Steel Ponies), and Sunday ( day shift at the bar) . Her reaction was : " Lil I'll have at least 100 people from Steel Ponies and the airport in the bar on Sunday to visit me." This is what I'm fucking talking about. Build up your shifts. Be aggressive. Make it happen! The New York girls were trained exactly the same way! Show everyone that you are just as good! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all my girls. I think I need to open a can of " Whoop Ass" and get you guys motivated.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Boston girls I am not picking on you. I tell the girls at my bars the same thing. Whether you are a Coyote at one of my bars or a licensed bar, I love you. I wish you the best of luck at the bar and in life.
So let me pick on my girls a bit. There are 3 bars that I own equity in. New York, New Orleans, and Tampa. New York and New Orleans I deal with on a daily basis. I placed one of my managers from NY in Tampa. I feel confident that her 3 years with me will help her keep my coyote principles pure in that city.
One of my favorite girls in NY is a girl named Char. When she was hired she couldn't dance a lick and she was a mediocre bartender. I love her. She still can't dance a lick. In fact, Jacqui doesn't even let her dance the choreographed numbers. Now I can honestly say, she has become a really good bartender. I'm flying her down to New Orleans today to help with Steel Ponies. Why ? That girl can sell!!
New Orleans. I have a girl named Tara. She is my best girl on the Mic. But for the first 4 months , we would physically hide the mic from her because she was overusing it. I love Tara! But just like every Coyote she has to hear my shit too.
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Coyotes. I love you but as long as I'm alive you will have to hear my shit. The END!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

My hat is off to the women of my neighborhood. You know what, their houses look great and mine looks like shit. My house is like the eye sore of the block. I have lived here for 5 months and I still haven't finished unpacking. I am pathetic. I'm sure they are loving the 3 week construction job that is going on in my backyard. I asked Kevin to build a portable bar that we can bring to all the bike fests etc. My god, Michelangelo could of done this thing quicker. On Kevin's behalf I will say that he is an excellent carpenter and the detail that he has put into this bar is outstanding. On the other side, my fucking god, the girls are going to destroy it anyway. In addition to that it has to withstand the elements. This is an official apology to the neighborhood for the construction. Maybe I can get Kevin to work in the buff and invite all the girls over. We'll drink beer and just watch. Naked with just a toolbelt. A woman's dream. Friday starts Steelponies so this bar has to be finished by then. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the women on my block putting up with our shit. And to Kevin for doing such a good job.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

I seem to be getting quite a few e-mails about a particular girl ( Coyote) in Boston. Let's call her The Yapper. Well Yapper this is directed to you. Get off the god damn mike. When you cut off the music and talk for 2 minutes it is annoying. When you get on the mike it should be short and sweet. I feel sorry for the girls in Boston. Boston is a franchised bar and I can only help if the owners want my help. I am so glad I'm not franchising ( licensing ) anymore. It's so frustrating. Being a Coyote isn't easy. Being a great Coyote is even harder. If any of the Boston girls read this, feel free to e-mail me and we can talk.
Now I just received a very important e-mail. My trademarks went through in Croatia and Estonia . If I die today I can die happy. What do you think the chances are of me opening a Coyote Ugly in Croatia? I'm not really sure where Estonia is? Stranger things have happened! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the people in foreign lands . It may not be tomorrow or even a year from now, but I'm coming!

Monday, October 20, 2003

Big business woman! This weekend an article about my company came out in Inc Magazine. Some of the quotes from the licensees are just priceless. Nothing like some fiction to spice up the article. Peace and tranquiltity, that's what I am about. Only love for those licensees . I wish them all the best when I am moving forward with my company and they are chasing someone else down. OK just a little venting. Now what I am really upset about is " Why don't I ever look good in these fucking pictures?" I'm such a fucking girl. The article could have said that I was a piece of shit (which it didn't) . But if the picture was good , I would be somewhat happy. I can't help it. Very shallow, I know.
Actually , the article expressed the important moral of my story. My way or the highway! This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the hardworking entrepeneurs who want success and happiness.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

A beautiful day in New Orleans. The Saints won, that is the only important issue today. There are two issues that you have to know to gauge the Sunday day crowd. The first is: is it is a home game? The second is: did the Saints win? In New York you have the Jets and the Giants. But most of the city consists of transplanted New Yorkers so you root for the loudest group in the bar ( except for the Cowboys, I can't root for them out of principle) Personally I love football. Unfortunately, 98% of the girls who work for me could care less about this wonderful game. Year after year I try and teach the girls how to run the football pools. I've thrown in the towel. The two people I think are even more pathetic are two guys I have working for me on the corporate level. One of them , we'll call him Mr. Metrosexual, had to do research before a meeting with The Mavericks ( Dallas NBA team). I called him up and said " Mr. Metrosexual could you please get to know The Mavericks so you can pretend to be a normal guy." It seemed to work. I think they offered him a job after that meeting. The other guy who works for me, we'll call him Mr. Lollipoop head ( my son calls him that), only knows one sports person ,Ray Lewis. He happened to be the manager on duty when Ray Lewis supposedly shot someone at an Atlanta nightclub. That's it. That is the extend of his sports knowledge. I'll repeat, pathetic! This Lil Spill is dedicated to Doug Jolley, of the Oakland Raiders. He needs to get me about 20 points so I can win my fantasy football match.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

It is true, "the hangovers hurt more than they used to." Since moving to the Big Easy, I have started drinking Crown Royal. Is this a good thing? I don't think drinking 20 shots of anything is really a good thing. Unless your paying for them at one of my bars. I have a vague recollection of performing "Devil" ( a choreographed routine) with the girls. People said I was good. I'm just glad I didn't fall off the bar with those goddamn 20 inch high sandles I was wearing. The key to drinking that much is to follow it up with a viewing of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Now that's fun! Needless to say, my dreams last night were quite bloody. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the poor schlumps like me , whom woke up today with a splitting headache.

Friday, October 17, 2003

You have to give credit to some of these girls. They have made a career out of picking up single ( sometimes married) men. I was just in Chicago and I asked about one of the girls I hired ( since I feel we should keep her name anonymous, we'll call her The Big Ho ). The Big Ho was gorgeous, but as she was training, I knew she was not long for her life as a Coyote. The first weekend the Chicago bar was opened I watched her interact with male customers . This girl was a pro! And it was within the first month that The Big Ho found her sugar daddy and took off. People ask "well Lil why would you hire her?" All I can say to that is " Even if it was for 1 month, this girl could sell ice to an Eskimo."
This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the big hos out there whom have worked for us. Good Luck and stop by and see us sometime.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

How many Kristys can one bar have? The NY bar has recently hired two Kristys and it is driving me nuts. I never know whom the night manager is refering to. Then I started thinking about all the Kristys we've had. Small Kristy, tall Kristy, Loud Kristy, psycho Kristy. Well you have to have a little psycho in you to work at Coyote. We've also had a real psycho customer Kristy. Small Kristy was definitely my favorite Kristy (new Kristys don't be upset I don't know you yet). She was a little work horse. But as per usual, she fell in love and the boyfriend made her quit. Oh that topic will be another Lil Spill. This Lil Spill is dedicated to all the Kristys that have worked for me. Send pictures and tell me what you are doing.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Three things that drive me fucking nuts with these girls. 1. tanning all the time 2. Eating crap all day and then going for breakfast after your shift 3. Wearing what is not suitable for you.
Tanning: read the fucking paper. One day you wake up and you have this one line that doesn't go away. Well honey, get ready there are a million lines that are just waiting to come out. Just buy the tan in the bottle. Stupid young girls have no idea what they are doing to themselves.
Eating crap: " Lil you are in such good shape. How do you do it?" This is not fucking rocket science. Eat well and exercise. After you eat that bag of Doritos, don't be surprised that your leather pants don't fit. We always said when a girl started that she would gain the Coyote 15. And it pisses me off everytime. Don't bitch to me how fat you're getting, when you sleep in till 3pm and then eat crap all day! Also, who said it is mandatory to go out for breakfast at 5 am? I certainly didn't. Go home and go to sleep. If you are hungry drink a glass of water, you'll get over it.
Wearing what is not suitable for your body type: If you have a gut, don't wear a cut off t-shirt. If you have big thighs, don't wear Daisy Duke shorts. We are women. Women have curves in different places. Wear what exentuates your positives. I can only imagine the mail I am going to get about this!
This Lil Spill is dedicated to noone in particular, I'm just pissed off today!

Friday, October 10, 2003

My neighborhood is a exactly what I imagine Mayberry ( from Andy Griffith Show) to be. And The women in my neighborhood are dead ringers for the old movie The Stepford Wives. I have 3 domestic skills. 1.caring for my son 2.cooking 3.doing laundry (but not folding it) . I have no other domestic skills what so ever. I simply didn't get that gene. Well October 1st came and these women in my neighborhood were outside of their houses decorating for Halloween. When I grew up, you always had one decked out house but everyone else just placed a few pumpkins outside. Well these freaking women have their houses looking like haunted houses from the movies. The woman ,two doors down from me, has police crime scene tape wrapped around her house. They are showing me up! My house is the only house on the block with no decorations. I am so incensed about this that I am going to hire Kevin (director of operations for my company) to create the most evil house ever! My house is going to look so fucking evil that the kids in the neighborhood will all need therapy after seeing it. This Lil Spill is dedicated to the non domestic women all over the world. Go get um girls!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

New Orleans. A whole different ball game down here. I have 2 stories that come to mind that describes what we are dealing with down here in the south. The first story was related to me by my manager Marshall. The bar was doing a liquor promotion one night and he was very impressed with one of their promo girls. He asked this beautiful girl if she was interested in being a Coyote. She was very interested and asked about some job specifics. When Marshall stated that a regular shift was 8 hours long, she immediately stoped him. " I could never work more than 4 hours at a time!" What do you say to that? That's the first story.
The second story was told by my manager Aaron. He told me that one of the girls kept trying to get cut early. First it was "I have my period." Secondly, it was "my aunt is very sick." And thirdly, it was "I think I have tuberculosis." Aaron being a very smart man simply said " spell tuberculosis and you can go home.!" Well she stayed till the end of her shift .
I love my New Orleans girls , they are some of the funniest people I have ever met. These girls use the phrase "mother fucker" as a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb. This Lil Spill is just a little insight on living in the south by a New Yorker.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

I am so proud! The Village Voice, one of NY's premier liberal newspapers, mentioned us in their " best of" issue. I actually think they created a new catagory just for us. I've got tears in my eyes writing this. We won : Best vomit soaked booths and girls dancing. They combined two very distinct catagories to fit us in. My mom was so excited. She said " honey you've finally done it! congratualtions. "
Well truth be told, the customers are so well trained , that they would rather puke in their hands and run to the bathrooms then feel the wrath of the bartenders. But I will accept this award as a very prestigious compliment for all the girls whom work at the Coyote Ugly NY.
PS fuck all of you that feel a need to correct my spelling mistakes!

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Men are so typical. This is the story. Last Friday I was in New York and the New York bar was having some electrical problems. We made an appointment , and as most of these agencies do, they told us that someone would be at our location before 6pm. Great. No electricity means no ice, no cold beer, no heat, and no music. Well Jacqui, the GM, asked one of the girls, Char, to call the serviceman. In a very sexy, dumb blond way, ( she's not blond) she called " Sir, Please get down here as quick as you can. I'm half naked and I am dyeing of cold. " Low and behold the serviceman was at the bar in 15 minutes. This demonstrates why Coyote Ugly works. Smart business women + dumb men = success. I love my job.
Lil

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